5 Tips on How to Come Out to Your Family As Nonbinary

As the holiday season approaches, many nonbinary people find ourselves debating whether we should come out to the family and friends we may be spending time with in the coming weeks. With the issues of coming out and all that it entails in mind — in addition to my own personal experience of coming out to my dad — I talked to four nonbinary people about how they tackled the conversation around gender-neutral pronouns with their families. Below are five guidelines to consider when having these discussions with family and loved ones.

As is the case with coming out in general, it’s not safe for everyone to disclose their gender identity in every circumstance. Regardless of how you identify under the trans umbrella, transphobia still runs rampant in our society, and in many of our families as well. Staying in the closet can be a matter of survival, especially for transgender youth, as family rejection can often result in homelessness.

I came out to my dad as nonbinary this year, but I'm no longer in touch with family members who I predict would be less accepting of my trans and queer identities. Before cutting them off just over two years ago, I made a conscious decision to be closeted throughout college, because I was afraid of losing any financial support if I disclosed my identity.

It’s always helpful to outline what you want to say ahead of time so you can keep the conversation focused on yourself and what you want and need to express. If your parents are not well-versed in issues of gender and sexuality, you’ll most likely have to do a lot of explaining as to what it means for you to be a trans, nonbinary, or queer person.

Musician A.W. felt too overwhelmed with coming out in person or over the phone, so they decided to write an email to their mother.

“At, first I found myself kind of apologizing to them, but then I said, Fuck this, I'm proud of who I am becoming,” they explained. “I tried to write it like, 'These are the facts. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal' — cool, calm, and casual. It ended up being a good first step [because] I got all the basics out of the way for them, provided some links, etc.”

Author Mike Levine also took this approach, but framed their email as a Q&A. Some of the questions they answered are:

• “How is [being nonbinary] different from [being] queer?”
• “What do you need to do about it?”
• “Wait, [does] nonbinary [mean] trans?”
• “This gender stuff is changing so fast. Won't it change again in a few years?”

No matter how you choose to come out, it helps to prepare what you want to say. It also never hurts to consider and predict what basic 101 questions your family might have, so that you already have an explanation at your fingertips.

Coming out to older cisgender and straight family members is very different than coming out to younger, more progressive friends. Thankfully, it can be significantly less stressful coming out to supportive friends, who may be able to help you — or at least provide encouragement and comfort — in coming out to your family.

Although they haven’t officially come out as nonbinary to their parents, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina actor Lachlan Watson prompted the conversation with their close friends by saying, “Hey guys, I think I might be nonbinary. Whaddya think?”

“My friends were the ones who really listened and helped me to understand more about who I was and who I wanted to become when I needed it most,” Watson tells me. “I had so many thoughts and concepts rolling around in my head, but my close friends were really the ones who helped me decipher what they all truly meant. I don’t even know where I’d be now if it weren’t for them.”

When I came out to my dad earlier this year, I ordered him a copy of A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns by Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimerson, which serves as a short guidebook for those unfamiliar with gender-neutral pronouns. A.W. also utilized this resource when coming out by sending a copy of the book to their mom.

Journalist Morgan Artyukhina also emphasized the importance of providing examples of gender-neutral pronouns in third person:

“I described a situation in which you would use ‘they/them/their’ to describe a person whose gender was unknown and said, ‘That's how it works for me, ‘cause you don't know my gender — I'm genderfluid.’ The story is, like, someone left their keys on the table. ‘They left their keys here. I hope they come back for them soon.’”

Additional helpful links:

• Pronoun Island: A website on how to use personal pronouns
• Riley J. Dennis’s video on singular gender-neutral pronouns
• Minus18’s interactive pronoun game
• Dictionary.com’s explanation of gender-neutral pronouns
• Grammar Girl’s podcast episode on the singular they

For many older straight cis people, learning how to use gender-neutral pronouns will take some time. After coming out to my dad months ago, I made a mental note that I’d allow an adjustment period for the rest of the year. However, once January 1 hits, I’ll be calling him out for not addressing his old habit of using the incorrect pronouns.

A.W. tells me, “Since [sending the coming-out email], it's been a fucking process, and I am trying to accept that it will probably take a long time for them to fully understand, if they ever do. We only see each other a few times a year and I'm the only nonbinary person they know, so they don't get much practice using gender-neutral pronouns.”

Ultimately, you are in charge, and can choose for yourself how to address being misgendered.

Watson adds, “Believe in yourself. Trust yourself. You are valid, and you’re gonna do amazing things. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, hold your head up high, and know that everything will work out in the end. I promise.”

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