The steamiest “Sex and the City” scenes aren’t on HBO — they’re getting called into city’s 311 system.
New Yorkers made more than 270 sex complaints over the past year to the non-emergency hotline, with reports of everything from backyard orgies, to the sounds of “loud ruthless sex,” to the grunts of what one caller described as a “sexual-tyrannosaurus,” according to records reviewed by the Post.
“Listen i am a christian woman, help this girl stop having loud sex before God does,” one desperate Bronx woman told 311 in a 6 a.m. complaint this January.
The calls and online submissions, which came in between Feb. 19, 2021 to Feb. 9 2022, were from all five boroughs and involved people describing all manner of carnal depravity going on in the apartments next door, in their building’s stairways and even right outside their window.
“Orgy going on in the backyard, boobs and penis’ being flashed on the street,” a Queens resident carped at 1 a.m. in June.
“There is an obese gay man splashing his Latino lovers cheeks with his man syrup,” a wordsmith from Brooklyn complained in August well past midnight.
One Bronx local said his neighbors were having “loud and ruthless sex” in the middle of the afternoon, while a Manhattan resident complained of a “sex T party” next door — referencing gay slang for crystal meth “T” or “Tina.”
The records, first obtained through a Freedom of Information Act request made by Patch and then provided to the Post, are full of grumpy New Yorkers who say their neighbors are taking the “city that never sleep” expression too literally.
“This apartment always have loud moaning from the female occupant while having intercourses. Hard for a lonely neighbor to get a good night sleep,” a downtrodden Queens man wrote in at almost 4 a.m.
One Brooklyn resident told 311 that carnal moans kept him up well into the night and he lost his job because of oversleeping. Another Brooklynite said it was once impossible to access their apartment without walking through eight to nine people having an orgy in the staircase.
“I’ve slept through earthquakes and fires in my life but I couldn’t sleep through this,” a different resident said.
A person in Queens said a neighbor was “shouting loudly that he is a sexual-tyrannosaurus.”
“Please make him stop,” they begged.
While police investigated all the complaints, records show almost all were made in vain.
The vast majority of grievances were labeled “unfounded,” “unnecessary” or not criminal. Seventeen were logged as “unable to enter,” two as “gone on arrival” and three were referred to another agency, but 311 records don’t say which. Three more were labeled as “other” without more details.
One address in Broad Channel, Queens received more than 50 complaints in the past year, but the homeowner insists that his family is being pranked and harassed.
A series of grievances lodged by an anonymous person online said the location hosts massive sex parties, with “j— slapping my window,” “gangbangs” and people dressed as “Jason X, Freddy, Pennywise, and Mike Myers” — all while the Velveteen Dream’s theme song plays.
“O to the R to the G to the Y. Put it all together and you get a orgy party,” a complaint reads. “Come on down they are letting the booties hit the floor and watching broke back mountain. They are screaming cowabunga and orgy! I guess they got horny during hibernation. Stop these sex feens!”
A resident at the address told The Post. “I know for a fact someone is trying to mess with me.”
“It’s false. I have two young children,” she added.
The family says the police have been to their house multiple times to respond to the allegations, and records show all the complaints against their house have been marked “unfounded or necessary.”
Back in the Bronx, a neighbor said that in April 2021 when the final COVID-19 stimulus checks were being sent to Americans, he heard banging and loud moaning, followed by the line, “how’s this STIMMY baby!”
One Manhattanite even complained his neighbors perverted Christmas carols during their dalliance.
“Some guy is singing jingle balls at the top of his voice while another person is screaming yes daddy come down my chimney,” the complaint made on Dec. 23, 2021, said. “It is to late for this it has been going on for hours I’m tired of hearing these people singing Christmas carols while they have sex all day.”
Additional reporting by Nolan Hicks.
