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Report: You’re Gonna Read This Page Right Fucking Now Or It’ll Be The Last Goddamn Thing You Ever Do

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YOUR LOCATION—Affirming that you made the smart choice by clicking the link to this article, a follow-up report released today indicated that you’re gonna read this goddamn page like your life depends on it, because it most certainly does. “Are you scared? You should be. We need to increase our website’s click-through rate, and you’re the poor sucker who’s gonna do it, so keep reading, motherfucker,” stated the report, noting that this isn’t a game, that in fact it’s deadly serious, and that the three associates who at this very moment have their crosshairs trained on your head are just waiting for the signal to light you up like a goddamn Christmas tree. “It’s been a rough couple of years for digital media companies, and if we gotta crack a few skulls to get that sweet, sweet ad revenue, so be it. If you don’t finish this article, we’re gonna finish you. Got it? We are not fucking around here.” Sources added that they can do this the hard way, in which case they’ll soon have you begging for mercy, or you can make things easy on yourself by clicking here.