The number of people using mobile payment apps like Apple Pay and Venmo continues to rise, although there are concerns that their convenience could come at the cost of security. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of mobile payment apps.
PRO
Conveniently streamlines third-party access to a detailed record of your every move.
See every financial transaction done by someone you met one time three years ago.
It can suddenly dawn on you that you have a shitload of money stocked in an app you forgot about.
Lack of universal use just one more way to separate people with money from the disgusting poor.
CON
Payment apps can’t be rolled up to snort drugs.
Everyone just Venmo-ing one person for a meal denies servers the joy of splitting a check across seven separate cards.
Gives Silicon Valley more breathing room.
Spread of germs through cash transactions only hope for reducing human population to levels needed for earth to survive.