A few weekends ago I was making a batch of brownies to bring to a picnic, and I couldn't find the cornstarch. I checked the mason jars of pantry items on the shelf on the wall. I checked the cupboard by the sink where the pantry items that didn't fit or that I'd been too lazy to put into jars were stashed. I checked the closet in the hall where I store snacks and cans and miscellaneous dried goods. I checked the fridge, where some nuts and seeds and flours get tucked, and then the freezer, where most of my flours are stashed. The cornstarch was nowhere in sight. I threw my brownies together with tapioca starch instead, and then started pulling every single item of food out of every single possible hiding place in my kitchen.
Soon every surface of my kitchen was covered with the contents of the cupboards and freezer and fridge. I realized I owned 3 different bottles of sherry vinegar and 10 (ten!) different kinds of gluten-free flour. I found a can of tomatoes that had expired in 2014. There were so many different places in my kitchen where I was stashing ingredients, and simply too much of everything, especially since I live alone. Why the heck did I have so much food??
You could argue that my overstocked food stores are the result of a) having lived in my apartment for seven years, and b) the fact that I'm constantly testing and developing new recipes for my job and thus frequently bringing home new ingredients. But the truth is, I don't think much would change if I worked in a different field. Because I love grocery shopping. It makes me feel productive in a way that nothing else really can. I actually kind of like it when I run out of olive oil (or any pantry staple), because that means I have to go to the grocery store. And running that errand will make me feel like I accomplished something that will help sustain me and those I love—and then everything will feel better for a bit. Is that weird? Am I a food shopaholic? Seriously, though, do other people feel that way too?
Keeping my kitchen stocked makes me feel safe and calm and happy. Knowing that I have enough food on hand to instantly and easily cook several meals for up to six people at the drop of a hat makes me feel ready for anything. And, no, I'm not consciously prepping for or hoarding to survive the apocalypse, I just like to have options when I'm cooking.
Before you start wondering if my need to stockpile food stems from childhood trauma or malnourishment, let me assure you that this was not the case. My mom's kitchen was (and remains) as over-stuffed as mine is now. My family believes in abundance. My mom is still constantly adding extra plates to the dinner table at a moment's notice and is always ready for it. And her mom was the same way before her. And now here I am, carrying the torch.
Do I really need so much food in my kitchen? I don't know. But I'm not ashamed of my overly well-stocked kitchen (especially now that I've re-organized a bit after the missing cornstarch incident). I'm proud of it. So come on over, unexpected guests—I'm always ready to feed you.
