The Reality Of Raising Kids Far Away From Family

These days, having extended family members around to help out and enjoy your kids isn’t quite the norm. Many moms and dads are feeling the heat of having to raise their children alone because grandparents, aunts and uncles live in different cities.

My parents and in-laws have settled in Florida, and while we are happy to visit, we can't see ourselves living there permanently.

I sometimes think about how my grandparents would spend every weekend with their big extended family, having picnics, dinners and parties together. Cousins would run around together and play. Babies would be coddled by aunts, and their parents would just kick back and relax with a light beer in hand. (Maybe this wasn't always the case. In reality it was more like siblings arguing in old-school accents and overbearing grandparents yelling loudly. But I will still hold on to my fantasy!)

Since our family lives in another state and my husband is usually away on the weekends playing music, we are left only with my mother-in-law who visits us for the day every other week or so.

I’m not complaining — we have a great little family, but sometimes that dream of the "big fat family" coming over — without me having to schedule play dates and activities all day — makes me feel like I'm missing out.

A lot of the moms I know are in a similar situation, and they agree that without family nearby raising children is just a little harder. One of my friends, Nandita, has it especially hard. “All our family is in India and we are in the U.S. and it's a horrible feeling," she explains. "Plus, my husband works out of state. It feels like I’m a single parent.”

Still, some say they would rather be with friends they choose over family they're stuck with, and to just make the best of what you've got. I checked in with other moms about how they cope being on their own without family nearby and here are some experiences and tips they shared:

Give and You Shall Receive
Mom Jennie says she went to the library and playground to meet new mom friends. “The more you offer to become part of other families' lives, the more help you’ll receive," she says. "I’m thankful for the village that helped me.” Mom Carrie agrees: “I work really hard to be a good community member in hopes that it will come back around to me!” she notes.

Find Parents Like You
Mom Katy says, “I gravitated towards other moms who were in the same boat. It's hard to make friends with someone who is always going over to their mom's or sister's house or doing things with close family. Over the years, this has been a lifesaver for all of us. We are each other's emergency contacts on all those school forms after our spouses. Moms in the same situation will understand and be there for you. It is hard, though.”

Budget for Babysitters
Paying for childcare when family isn’t around isn’t cheap, but it might be worth it in the end if it gives you peace of mind. Mom Erika says, “Good babysitters have saved us. Luckily, my mom visits for a week every other month, but I get jealous of my friends whose parents live locally and help with pick up or drop off and overnight stays. Our babysitting budget is crazy because we refuse to not have a life outside our kids.”

Be Happy With What Is
Mom Kristi has always lived far from family and her family, and her in-laws live on the opposite coast. Her husband is often unable to help because he works long hours at a grueling job. Still, she makes it work. She says, “I've hired a babysitter once in the seven years since my first child was born. I don't make friends easily and with the friends I do have, I would never impose by asking for things like childcare. I get up early and stay up late to work and spend days taking care of my family. I don't expect help anymore and we're all very fine. We've adapted and I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out on a tribe or village or community or whatever you want to call it.”

Plan to Swap it Up
Mom Alethea says, “I've made a really good friend here who swaps childcare with me whenever either of us needs it. Our toddlers are two weeks apart in age and get along well. She works really hard to build her parent network so she can get and reciprocate childcare favors. She's a hardworking single mum and absolute superwoman in my eyes. I have no idea how she does it.”

Lately, some friends in our neighborhood are feeling more and more like relatives. My good mom friend just had a baby and I’m doing what I can to help her out, including babysitting and getting some yummy baby cuddles in return. Maybe one day I’ll even get called auntie!

Modern day parenting might feel lonely and hard at times, but with a little love and help from your community, you can turn things around and feel like "family" is nearby.

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