Those people are at it again. You know who I’m talking about. The ecru-colored citizens who turn beet red at facts and statistics, who wondered why they weren’t included in the phrase #BlackLivesMatter and who called it a “terrorist organization.” The taupe Americans who cried butt-hurt boo-hoos when football players did exactly what they suggested and knelt in silent protest during the anthem. The group of nonthinking matte eggshells who once labeled Martin Luther King Jr. and Colin Kaepernick “communists.”
White people.
Now they are mad at coffee machines.
No, seriously ... they are. In support of an allegedly verified pedophile (because if pedophilia were like Twitter, Roy Moore would have a blue checkmark), Caucasians have mounted a campaign of destroying their own property as a protest. I know it doesn’t make any sense, so I will explain it to you.
Late last week, the Washington Post published a story about Roy Moore’s alleged preference for ninth-graders. The report included four women who have never met one another and yet all tell similar stories about the Alabama Republican running in a special election for a Senate seat.
Moore reportedly likes his women like he likes his coffee: fresh, hot and not yet capable of solving binomial equations. The story was immaculately reported with 30 corroborating sources. But you know how the Washington Post can be sometimes—always bringing up factual old stuff.
Since the story was first reported, a fifth accuser has emerged with a story that mirrors those of the first four, including a yearbook signed by Moore. What 30-year-old does that? Until this story came out, I had legitimately forgotten that was a thing. One of Moore’s former co-workers even came out to say that Moore was known to troll malls and high school football games for teens.
In response to the charges, the technological marvel whose head was somehow replaced with a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float, Fox News’ Sean Hannity, invited Moore to defend himself Friday night. Moore did such a poor job of explaining his alleged preference for women who read Judy Blume novels that Hannity was forced to offer an assist, repeatedly mansplaining Moore’s reported encounter with a 14-year-old by saying, “No other sexual conduct had taken place. No sexual intercourse.” Hannity later added that the allegations by the 16-year-old “involve kissing and only kissing.”
After Hannity allowed an accused child molester to grace his airwaves and equivocate about sexual molestation, people began pressuring advertisers to pull ads from Hannity’s show. Coffee maker-maker (I’ve always wanted to use that in a sentence) Keurig was one of the first companies to remove its advertising from the show, along with Realtor.com, 23andMe and Nature’s Bounty.
You can’t smash a website or a DNA company. So white people took their frustration out on the closest thing available—their Keurig coffee machines. Soon after Keurig pulled its ads, the hashtag #BoycottKeurig went viral on white Twitter, and people began posting pictures and videos of themselves smashing their coffee machines.
As one of the few adult humans who don’t share an affinity for the triple-filtered mud-cake beverage called coffee, I am not shocked by this caucasity. These are the same people who hire dominatrixes to put their testicles in vices and believe that driving their Jeeps through the mud on the weekend is a sport. I’ve seen Jackass. I know how this works.
But here’s the thing about this: It actually worked! Keurig apologized.
In an internal statement to employees, the company said that it had only planned to “pause” its advertising on the show, but that it was a mistake because it made the company look like it was “taking sides.”
Taking sides? Sides? There’s another side to excusing pedophilia? There’s an actual flip side to giving voice to an alleged child molester? (You should know that I say “alleged” for legal reasons, but my heart says “baby rapist.”)
Either white privilege is the most powerful trump card in the world or we’ve been doing it wrong all these years. Instead of marching across the Edmund Pettus Bridge, maybe we should have just smashed voting booths to smithereens. Maybe Rosa Parks should have busted the windows out of that Montgomery, Ala., bus. Perhaps that’s why Black Lives Matter is so frowned upon—it hasn’t “boycotted” police by throwing them over a balcony.
Oh, white people, you amuse me so. I’ll end this right here because I know you need to go get a new coffee machine.