Don’t make their GP appointments, don’t manage their money – universities’ advice to helicopter parents

As a father of five, Steve West, vice-chancellor of the University of West of England, knows all about parental anxiety. Yet he says parents whose offspring have started university must learn to listen from afar without judging – even if those young adults are experimenting with drugs or drinking heavily.

University may be a door to adulthood, but the parents of today’s students have wedged their feet firmly inside. With parents keen to know that the £9,250-a-year tuition fees are being spent wisely, there is now an established culture of them attending open days. And new research shows that perfectionist parents, who have grown used to managing everything at school, are often not letting go of the reins at university. Some are even organising their offspring’s finances from their laptop at home and booking them doctors’ appointments.

Instead of lamenting this trend, West’s university, based in Bristol, has decided to embrace it, giving parents more information and making them “part of the university team”. And with the government leaning on universities to step up their pastoral care, other institutions, including Winchester, Essex, Warwick and Leeds, are taking a similar approach.

As of this year, UWE parents get regular newsletters, which flag up key points in the calendar when students might need more emotional support. They have parent web pages telling them where to go for university services, and their own phone line and email address to raise the alarm if they are worried about their children.

West acknowledges that starting university can be an overwhelming time for parents as well as students. “But I tell them the last thing you should do is project your anxieties on to your kids. Don’t text them every five minutes. Give them the space to settle in,” he says.

He believes the most important thing parents can do is empower their children to talk to them – but not to wade in with opinions, even in the face of alarming behaviour. “If they are taking drugs or drinking, get them to talk to you about it, but don’t be judgmental,” West says. “If you have concerns you can signpost them to us.”

There are still clear boundaries, however. “We are clear that this is a different stage, and we are not going to be on the phone updating them all the time,” West says. “If your child doesn’t turn up for a few lectures we won’t be reporting that to you. But if there are signs they are becoming isolated or putting themselves in danger, we will.”

Dominique Thompson, a student health consultant who worked as a GP at Bristol University for nearly 20 years, says many parents need guidance on what level of intervention is acceptable and some universities aren’t giving this. “Whatever we feel about parents being involved in university, the fact is that they are, so pushing against the tide is not going to work. Universities need to get ahead and shape that relationship.”

Thompson says it is now common for parents to ring to book a GP appointment for their child at university. “You have to question that. It’s done with the best of intentions – they say ‘I’m helping out because he’s busy with lectures’. But this is part of life and they need to learn to handle it alone.”

She tells parents that when they drop their children off at university for the first time they mustn’t make the bed. “This isn’t a hotel. And don’t take them to do a food shop. Just leave. They have to learn to do all these things.”

Anne West, professor of education policy at the London School of Economics, and author of a new book on “helicopter parents” at university, says support varies widely. The parents of one student accepted that he was living on virtually nothing because he was determined to avoid taking out a student loan, she says. “But there were other parents who were making meals for their children to take back to university, and keeping track of what they were spending their money on.”

Alan Percy, head of counselling at Oxford University and chair of the Heads of University Counselling Services group, says parents have been given “a distorting message” that being a good parent is all about removing life’s problems. Instead, he says, they should teach their children practical life skills “and giving them the emotional resilience to face the world without you.

“Often students can feel overwhelmed by managing their lives. If their parents have structured everything, at university they are going to fall off a cliff. I would advise parents to explain to young people that there may be times when they feel lonely. Don’t deny that. They should say ‘of course it feels difficult and you miss your friends, but eventually these strangers will be the best friends you’ll have for life’.”

Sue Firth, a psychologist based in Cambridgeshire, admits she had her own emotional struggle after dropping off her 18-year-old son and her 20-year-old daughter to start at different universities this autumn.

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“University is a very big transition for parents. If you’re still part of a couple that helps, but I’m divorced and on my own. I spent weeks preparing myself,” she says. “I said to both children: ‘It’s important you understand that it’s not your fault or responsibility if I am lonely. I don’t want you to worry about me.’ They are starting the next chapter of their lives and must be allowed to do that.”

She admits she isn’t sure how much she should still be trying to discipline from afar. “I’ve told them both this isn’t you at sixth form now and you can’t just mess around. If they are really struggling I’ll teach them about learning techniques.”

Winchester University runs settling-in sessions for parents when they drop their children off for freshers’ week. Dr Nicola Barden, director of student support services, says parents are “allies” in ensuring students are happy. “I will always listen to a parent’s concerns. Some may be over-protective, but I respect that they have known their children for 18 years and if they express concerns, I take notice,” she says.

Jacqueline Stevenson, head of research at Sheffield Hallam University’s Institute of Education, studied how much engagement students at her university and Sheffield University had with their parents and was taken aback by how much close contact many still had.

“Parents in many cases were vital, because they were giving this overwhelming message of ‘keep going, you’re doing really well, we’ve got your back’. Some students were getting that sort of one-to-one mentoring every single day,” she says.

Stevenson says students did not regard this support as “smothering”. She argues that universities need to work harder to spot students who don’t have an emotional cheerleader, who might need someone at the university to step in.