I would love for you to share the relationships aspects between dual-career couples, e.g., ways in which you were on the same page, ways in which you weren’t aligned, accommodations and compromises, etc., etc. Flying solo is one thing, but being co-pilots is a whole different thing! – Karen
When you both have big dreams —5 questions for dual-career couples
Indeed, career management as a single person is a whole different thing than when a romantic partner is in the mix (and also different when there are children, elderly family or other dependents involved). An excellent book on this topic is Couples That Work by Jennifer Petriglieri. Petriglieri, an associate professor of organizational behavior at Instead, covers three major transitions that dual-career couples face: work and family in your 20s and 30s; career change in your 40s and 50s; and empty nesting, retirement and other transitions in your 50s onward.
Use the Couples book as a prompt to raise the topic of career management with your significant other. You can also start with these five questions to gauge how each of you feel about your careers and what you want and need to happen going forward:
1 – What in your job or career would you like to change?
“Honey, how was work?” probably doesn’t elicit enough detail to be useful for either of you. Asking directly about what should change is a better prompt for your partner (and you) to think more deeply about: 1) if anything needs to change; and 2) what that might be. There might be easy items for a weekend To Do list that surface, such as needing a more comfortable desk chair or delineating quiet space or quiet time in the day for focused work. (Here are five productivity tips for couples both working from home.)
However, you also might uncover more significant items on your partner’s wish list. They might be burning out and need to dial back. They might have entrepreneurial ideas or want to change careers. They might have gotten an interesting call from a recruiter, and you just reminded them to respond. Your partner may have thought about a change in their job or career but not too deeply, assuming it wasn’t an option. This question gives each of you some space to start dreaming again.
2 — What career goal is your first priority?
If it’s just one of you with a change to make, then the other person can maintain the status quo while the changemaker focuses on their next move. But if both you and your partner have changes in mind, or perhaps you each have multiple changes you want to make, then you’ll have to prioritize. Career moves — whether it’s a job search, career change, launching a business or lobbying for a promotion – all take extra time and attention. Until you openly discuss what the number one priority is for each of you, then you can’t begin to map out what the impact will be on your current commitments – e.g., events on the calendar, day-to-day household responsibilities, purchases you want or need to make.
3 — When do you want to make your next big career move?
It could be that each of you has a career move you’d like to make that involves a concerted amount of time, effort or money. Making big moves at the same time may mean you’ll have more empathy for each other and provide better support. But it could also mean too much disruption, and you’d be better off staggering your moves. For example, if you both want to leave your jobs, you give one partner a six-month head start to hopefully land something and get comfortable before the other person makes their big change.
It could be that one of your moves is more time-sensitive than the other’s. For example, you get an opportunity for a bigger role that needs to start immediately, while your partner is just starting their job search. Or, you’re both at the start of your career exploration, but one person is more miserable (or more motivated) than the other, so their move gets priority.
4 — What financial investments do you want or need to make in your career?
Going back to school, whether for a degree, certification or just a class, costs money. Starting a business costs money for inventory, licenses or the opportunity cost of not working a steady paying job while you build the business. A desired career change could require taking a lower-paying job.
Are you and your partner on the same page about how much you’re willing to spend out of pocket? How do you feel about debt to fund career moves? How much, if at all, are you willing to change your lifestyle in order to fit each other’s new career? What if you need to move to a more expensive area and need to cut back? Don’t make assumptions about how your partner feels about money and career. At the same time, share your opinions and deal-breakers so they don’t harbor incorrect assumptions about you.
5 — How can I support you?
A senior banker with 10 children (not a typo) and already working your typical long investment banking hours assumed his at-home partner would not be happy about him taking even more time away from the family to work on his job search. As it turned out, the partner was so fed up with the banker’s career complaints that she was willing to earmark even more time for him to be away, networking and interviewing for a better role.
In the banker’s case, he needed time away and childcare. For an entrepreneur, it could be the household cutting back on variable expenses to give a new business more runway to succeed. For a career changer, it could be encouragement and a safe space to vent. What does your partner need? What are you willing to do? What do you need?
A career-centered discussion can quickly morph into other topics
Even if you preface these questions with the caveat that you’re asking about career, non-career issues (e.g., time, money, emotional support, household responsibilities) are inextricably linked. Use these five questions to have a structured discussion, but don’t spring them on your partner lightly. Give them some warning, and take time yourself to think about what you want to say, so you avoid making incorrect assumptions and give to each other what each of you actually wants and needs.
