NEW YORK—Pausing briefly to address the issue as he spoke to the candidates, moderator Lester Holt reportedly began Wednesday night’s Democratic presidential debate by reiterating that he doesn’t know who most of these fucking people are. “I’d like to start tonight’s debate by making it clear that I couldn’t even begin to guess the platforms, credentials, or even the names of most of these goddamn folks,” said Holt, gesturing to candidates such as Tim Ryan, Amy Klobuchar, and John Delaney as he openly questioned whether they were truly running for president or if this was some sort of put-on. “You understand this is a nationally broadcast debate for the presidency of the United States, right? Really, who the fuck are all you people and how did you people get past security?” At press time, Holt was going through the candidates one by one to check their credentials before he would allow the debate’s first segment to begin.