Seasonal & Holidays
The Anti-Valentine's Day 2019 Gift Guide
If teddy bears and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate aren't your thing, we've got the perfect presents for you.
If chocolate roses and teddy bears aren't your idea of a good Valentine's Day gift, you are not alone. Plenty of folks feel the same way, which is why we've rounded up some awesome presents that aren't the slightest bit sappy.
From funny to functional, these gifts are great for anyone who doesn't buy into the holiday hype. So go ahead: Treat your special someone to an anti-Valentine's Day present they're sure to love.
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All prices and savings listed in this post are as of publication and could change. Patch may earn a commission on some purchased items.
"Pizza Is My Valentine" T-Shirt, $13.99
Pizza will never break your heart, and this shirt is just the right kind of cheesy. It's 100-percent cotton, super comfy and available in multiple colors.
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VinoPlease 2 Vacuum Wine Stoppers, $14.99
These novelty wine stoppers provide an airtight, leak-proof seal designed to preserve the contents of your bottle for weeks. Each stopper features some cheeky words of wisdom, too — perfect for the oenophile with a sense of humor!
WHAT DO YOU MEME? Party Game, $29.97
Everyone could use a good laugh, and this sometimes NSFW game brings legit LOLs. Players compete to create the funniest meme by pairing the game's caption cards with the photo card in play, and a rotating judge picks the best combination each round. Hilarity always ensues, but just to reiterate, this party game is not kid-friendly.
InstaShiatsu Foot Massager with Air Compression & Heat, $199
Treat those feet to the best at-home massage we've ever experienced! This InstaShiatsu foot massager — one of Oprah Winfrey's 2018 Favorite Things — has three intensity settings as well optional heat to warm the muscle areas during your massage. Users can even create customized massages specific to their individual needs and preferences.
Joie Piggy Microwave Bacon Tray with Splatter Lid, $11.97
For anyone who loves bacon, this microwave bacon tray is the perfect and practical gift. It cooks four to five strips of bacon in the microwave without the splattery mess, and it's made of BPA-free plastic that's dishwasher-safe for easy cleanup.
Kempf "Go Away" Doormat, $9.99
Who needs a standard "welcome" mat when this "Go Away" doormat says how you really feel? This traditional coir mat is made with natural, long-lasting coconut fibers. It's a great way to greet your guests for many seasons to come.
ChugMate Wine Glass Bottle Topper, $12
This goblet is the classy way to drink straight from the bottle! Simply insert the ChugMate into your wine bottle and start sipping.
"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life" by Mark Manson, $11.30
This is the self-help book for people who don't read self-help books. It's an unapologetic antidote to the whole positive thinking spiel we've all been fed these past few years. The author acknowledges that life can be tough, but he offers hilarious, raw and practical advice how to overcome everyday obstacles and take real steps towards your future goals.
Hallmark Flowers Succulents in Vintage Spice Tin Containers, $49.98
Why give flowers that'll be dead in a week when you can give live plants that can last for months or even years? These succulents come perfectly potted in 4-inch vintage spice tin containers. They're easy keepers — just make sure they're in a spot with plenty of indirect light and water monthly.
Chia Pet Donald Trump, $20
No matter what your personal politics may be, watching "hair" grown on this Chia Trump pottery planter is endlessly amusing. Of course, if you're feeling nostalgic, there's a Chia Barack Obama available as well.
Gluggle Jug (Extra Large), $52.54
Looking to bring some practical whimsy to the table? Get a Gluggle Jug! It can be a wine carafe, a water pitcher, a vase, a utensil jar and beyond. When you pour it, it makes a delightful gurgling sound. Multiple colors and sizes are available; prices may vary.
"Celebrity Mugshots: Keeping Up With The Incarcerated," Adult Coloring Book $7.99
Sometimes you just need to relax, unwind and laugh at the poor decisions of famous people. This adult coloring book features 36 creative and intricate designs with wonderfully illustrated mugshots of the stars you love to loathe.
The Perfect Man - 3.5-ounce Solid Milk Chocolate Man, $10.99
Who needs a significant other when the real perfect man is right here?! This rich, decadently sweet fella is ready for you to eat him right up.
BOSKA Tea Light Tapas Fondue Set for Cheese or Chocolate, $26.95
This mini fondue set is perfect for any date night — including one with yourself! It's microwave-safe, so melting the cheese or chocolate is quick and easy, and you can light the tea light (included) to keep the contents warm.
Looking for even more ideas? Check out Amazon's Valentine's Day Gift Shop!
Photo Credit: All images via Amazon
