The power of staying angry: Why you don’t have to forgive racism

When you’re on the receiving end of racism, it is often your reaction as the victim that comes under greater scrutiny than the actions of the perpetrator.

Do you stay calm and walk away? ‘Rise above’ and be the bigger person? Or do you get angry, lose your cool, lash out in response?

For victims of racism, it can feel like an impossible predicament. If you stay quiet, you may feel as though you’re letting someone get away with unacceptable behaviour. It’s also common to replay the interaction, over and over, berating yourself for not responding, or not standing up for what’s right.

But if you do get angry – you are vilified for it. Black, Asian and ethnic minority people are frequently punished for reacting to racism with anger or hostility.

In 2019, a football team was fined more for protesting racism than the club whose fans shouted the abuse. Elsewhere in football, players have been criticised for walking off the pitch when facing racist taunts, and celebrated for ‘sticking it out’ and ignoring the jibes.

Beyond football, even bringing up concerns about racism at work can jeopardise your career. When Labour MP Zarah Sultana raised Boris Johnson’s past record of making ‘racist’ remarks in an impassioned manner, minister Victoria Atkins accused her of ‘shouting’ and told her to ‘lower the tone’.

In the workplace, in education, in our daily lives, racially minoritised people are frequently and strongly encouraged to ‘turn the other cheek’, to walk away, to forgive.

This philosophy even extends to historical acts of racism. Since the statue of slave-trader Edward Colston was toppled in summer 2020, some have been deeply upset by the show of visceral anger that lead to the monument being tossed in the river. Critics of the act of protest have argued that Colston should be forgiven for his involvement in slavery because he was also a great philanthropist.

Clinical psychologist Dr Roberta Babb believes that focusing on the reaction to racism, rather than the racism itself, is an old and effective tactic.

‘It is a less challenging way to manage racist behaviour as the responsibility, accountability and energy for change is placed on the victim,’ Dr Babb tells Metro.co.uk.

‘Focusing on the victim diverts attention away from the cause of the racist behaviour. As the spotlight is not on them, there is less pressure or motivation to understand and change racist behaviour.

‘Looking at the victim’s behaviour is also a way for people to avoid experiencing the painful and vulnerable feelings (anxiety, shame and guilt) associated with recognising and owning the harm that you caused someone.’

It certainly serves some groups to discourage anger in the face of racism. Depicting rage as a morally inferior reaction than forgiveness or ‘getting over it’, makes life easier for those who are implicated in creating and perpetuating racial inequality.

One tactic used to do this is the weaponising of archaic stereotypes about minority groups.

The ‘angry Black woman’, or the Black man with a ‘chip on his shoulder’. These labels serve to ridicule and undermine valid responses of anger – and make it harder for Black people to react to racism for fear of being perceived in this way.

It’s an incredibly difficult position to navigate. Experiencing racism, regularly and over decades of your life, builds a kind of anger that eats away at you from the inside. Yet, social constructs mean there are few legitimate outlets for this rage.

But anger doesn’t have to be an entirely negative force. There is possibility of change and reconciliation in anger, it can also be a catalyst to bring society closer to equality.

Why anger can be a force for good

Writer and activist Audre Lorde wrote in an essay: ‘Every woman has a well-stocked arsenal of anger potentially useful against those oppressions, personal and institutional, which brought that anger into being.’

She continues: ‘Anger expressed and translated into action in the service of our vision and our future is a liberating and strengthening act of clarification.’

So, how can you make sure you’re translating your anger into something that is productive – rather than adding to the cycle of conflict?

Dr Roberta Babb says being and staying angry keeps the issue alive and can prevent it from being forgotten – which increases the likelihood that it will be fixed; that positive change will take place.

‘However,’ she says, ‘this does not always happen. Unprocessed or unresolved anger can provide a fertile ground for negative ruminations and negative feelings, emotional and mental health difficulties, and physical and social problems.’

Dr Babb, believes this shouldn’t be a binary issue. You don’t have to choose anger or forgiveness. Both can be possible, but the key thing is that this happens on your terms.

‘It is important that you decide if and when to forgive someone,’ Dr Babb tells Metro.co.uk.

‘You do not have to forgive racism. But you can forgive yourself for not being able to forgive the person who was racist, for now.

‘Time is an important factor in the forgiveness process. When you are ready to forgive someone, you realise that you are no longer negatively impacted or trapped by the past actions of others and can finally let go of the past wrongdoings against you. Forgiveness can be seen as a form of self-care.’

Forgiving and forgetting is often encouraged to help us proactively focus on moving forward. However, psychologist Lee Chambers says there are times when anger can be used productively as a mechanism for change.

‘Anger is a natural emotional response to injustice, and being able to leverage it so we don’t continue to minimise with forgiveness, invalidate the emotion by suppressing it, or deplete our energy by letting it let run rampant, is a powerful way to strategically use it to build awareness and incite action,’ Lee tells Metro.co.uk.

‘Anger highlights a situation that is unacceptable and not to be tolerated. And if we can control the impulsivity and reactivity of the intensity of emotion, it is a powerful driver to take decisive action.’

To use anger effectively, Lee says we have to acknowledge it.

‘This dampens its dangerous side by turning it into something you can communicate. Ask yourself, “what specific thing has made me angry – and why?”

‘After acknowledgement comes envisioning the change you want to see. This provides a space to find opportunities where anger can be used productively, and focuses you on what you do want, rather than what you don’t, which tends to spiral anger towards impulsivity.’

Lee adds that it is vital to reflect on your personal resources – do you have the capacity to use your anger for good in this moment?

‘This gives you the space to consider how you are looking after yourself, as to be able to use anger effectively, there is a level of self-care and kindness involved,’ says Lee.

‘We mustn’t forget that racism is traumatic and can leave us feeling triggered, hypervigilant and can make controlling our emotional response more difficult.

‘To be able to use anger productively, we need to find spaces to share our pain, acknowledge the anger so we can process it powerfully, and protect our own mental health in the process, which can generate the hope and support we need to use anger for a positive purpose and not become burdened and drained by it as we try to change the narrative.’

Is ‘letting go’ more useful than forgiveness?

While forgiveness tends to involve an active and positive response towards the person who was racist, letting go may be a more neutral option.

It may also be helpful where anger feels limiting, or if you’re unable to find a way to translate that anger into anything positive or helpful.

Dr Babb says forgiveness, ‘radical acceptance’ and letting go, are all points on the moving forward continuum.

‘Forgiveness does not mean you excuse the person who hurt you, condone their behaviour, or have reconciled the relationship,’ she says.

‘Letting go does not mean that you forget what happened to you, or have to let go of their accountability for their actions by absolving them. People often equate forgiveness with forgetting and forgetting with letting go. Although they are both concerned with an attitude towards a past experience or event, they are different.

‘Forgiveness is when you stop being angry with someone for something that person has done to you, or when you do not allow your memory of the racist wrongdoing to influence your future relationship or future behaviours.

‘Radical acceptance is your ability to accept experiences that are outside of your control without judging them. This in turn reduces the suffering that is caused by them.’

But, Dr Babb says, it is also OK and completely normal to be angry – and stay angry – in response to racist experiences.

‘Anger comes from a place of pain and hurt,’ she says.

‘When we are hurt, there is a want for the cause of the pain and hurt to be recognised and validated by the perpetrator of racism.’

But holding on to anger without a purpose can be painful.

Coping with your emotional response to racism

However you feel and how ever you act after a racist interaction is valid and OK. Everyone will react differently in any given situation, and it’s important not to try to police your emotions, or berate yourself for not feeling a certain way.

It’s OK to just feel angry, and not do anything productive with that emotion.

But if you find you need some strategies for managing these feelings, here are Dr Babb’s top tips for coping with the emotional aftermath of experiencing racism, and finding a place for your anger:

Recognise and validate your emotional response

‘Your feelings are important, and forgiveness and letting go is not about squashing or denying your emotional experience.’

Give yourself time and space to experience your emotions

‘As well as to understand the experience from different emotional spaces. This involves considering how you have been hurt and impacted by the racist behaviour.

‘It may also involve you talking to someone you trust or a professional about the situation and your emotional response to it.’

Learn what forgiveness and letting go means to you

‘Forgiveness is for you and as a form of self-compassion and self-care. It is about releasing you from being trapped with negative feelings and their corrosive impact, not absolving someone from their past actions.

‘It is helpful to view forgiveness as way for you to find closure and peace.’

Practice radical acceptance

‘Accepting that the past cannot be changed is key. It also involves a painful realisation which is that the anger held towards a person will not reverse the impact or redeem the person and giving up the expectation of acknowledgement and repair from the person who hurt you.

‘Through the process of radical acceptance, you have the opportunity to consider whether you genuinely want to forgive the person or not.’

Decide whether you want to or can forgive

‘Your decision is your decision and can be changed in the future should you wish to.

‘Forgiveness involves demonstrating empathy and understanding towards the person who hurt you.

‘Remember. this does not mean that you excuse their behaviour, rather it is about seeing the humanity in the person who hurt you. This is important because a key characteristic of racism is the dehumanisation of the victim.’

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