Sarah Millican is currently embarking on another epic stand-up tour.

A familiar face to TV fans due to her panel show appearances and televised stage segments, the comedian has become justly renowned as one of the sharpest voices on the circuit – her rude punch-lines and dark, cutting observations cleverly contrasted by her ever warm, jovial demeanour.

Here are some of Millican’s most entertaining jokes and one-liners.

Warning: some adult humour ahead

“My Dad always told me there’s three things you need to have in the boot of your car: a blanket, a shovel and a flask. And he’s right – because whenever I’ve killed a man I’m parched.”

“I’ve got a boyfriend at the moment. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. I prefer it when he’s not. Sex is a lot quicker.”

“I stopped buying women’s magazines. The only time I ever see someone who looks like me is under the word ‘Before’.”

“My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.”

“I read about a couple in their 80s where she died and he died soon after. The paper said he died of a broken heart. But that’s not a medical condition. I think if she died and then a fortnight later he died, it’s probably because he didn’t know how to cook.”

“From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.”

“I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.”

“[Pointing to belly] I have developed something of a ‘cake shelf’. Somebody said recently ‘Are you pregnant?’ I said: ‘Not unless I’ve been sh**ged by Mr Kipling’.”

“I moved to a well-to-do area. I know it’s well-to-do because I said to my husband ‘it’s chilly in here’, and he said ‘shall we turn the floor up’?”

“I’m not used to country living. Every time I see someone with a big marquee tent in their garden, I don’t think ‘ooo, someone’s having a nice summer party’. I think ‘ooo, someone’s been murdered’.”

“I turned 40 last year. One of the things that’s changed is I used to sniff my leggings to see if I could get another day out of them. Now I don’t. I just assume that I can.”

“[On euphemisms for periods] It’s ‘WI week’ – because I’m making jam.”

“[On TV shows] We haven’t had time to touch on Snog Marry Avoid – or as I call it, Top Gear.”

“[On hanging around drunk people] “If I wanted to be with people p**sing themselves and talking rubbish, I’d have a kid.”

“I read that two-thirds of women don’t bathe or shower every day. My first reaction was ‘that’s disgusting’. My second reaction was to start sniffing my friends. My third reaction was ‘well if they’re not doing it, I’m not’.”

“If I had a diet programme, it would be called ‘A Big S*** And A Haircut'”.

“I used to get into trouble at school for talking. It’s funny that the only thing I was criticised for back then is now my job. I just hope the same fate didn’t befall the school ‘bike’.”

“I found a new way to know you’ve put weight on. There’s a car park near me which has a barrier that goes up… when it senses a car is near. I was carrying two bags of shopping, but still…”

“We took the dog to the vet and he said he was a bit ‘underweight’. I got him to say that word a few more times because I hadn’t heard it before.”

“My Mum told me ‘you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to’. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards…”

“I’ve got a friend. Actually, she’s not a friend. She’s a friend of a friend. I’m sure we all have those people. You know, you wouldn’t invite her to your house, but you don’t want her to die.”

“People say big girls don’t cry but that’s not true. They cry because they’re fat. They cry because they can’t get a boyfriend. And they cry because there’s no trifle left.”

“I don’t like meals for one. It’s not that they make me feel lonely. It’s that they’re not big enough.”

“The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.”

“Valentines Cards are always sex buddies or soul-mates. Where are the ones for practical women in love? Ones that say: ‘I like you, we’re having a nice time, but if we split up I’d probably be OK’.”

“I’d rather spend New Year’s Eve alone than at a party. Then at least there’s a guarantee of sex.”

“Kate Moss said ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’. I say ‘nothing looks as good as not being a c***’.”

For more info on Sarah Millican’s tour, visit sarahmillican.co.uk

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