Spirits down: proof that gin makes you sad

Name: Gin.

Age: 300 years old.

Appearance: Clear. As clear as the tears that fall from a baby’s eye as it realises its own fragile mortality.

Crikey, steady on. I’m sorry. I’ve just been thinking about things a lot lately. Everything’s just so terrible, isn’t it?

Oh God, have you been on Twitter again? Well, I just drank half a bottle of gin. That’s basically the same thing.

At this time of day? What were you thinking? I was just testing the recent survey by Public Health Wales, that claimed gin really does make you as tearful as its reputation suggests.

And does it? Listen, have I ever told you how completely alone I am?

I’ll take that as a yes, then. I should have necked a load of red wine instead. According to the survey, that makes people feel relaxed; not like gin, which makes you feel like you’ve spent the last 20 years being punched senseless by life.

I’m not sure drinking lots of anything is really the answer. At least with red wine I’d probably be drinking it in a relaxed social environment, possibly with food.

Whereas with gin? Alone, in my pants, with the curtains drawn, just to see if I’m capable of feeling anything any more.

So that’s all the survey said? People drink gin to get drunk, and it always makes them sad? No, that’s not the only associated sensation. The survey also revealed that six out of 10 people claim that drinking gin makes them feel more confident.

Really? Absolutely. One thousand per cent. You have to believe me. I’m incredible at this sort of thing.

Anything else? Well, four out of 10 people also claimed that it makes them feel sexier, although the brains behind the survey suggested that might just be down to the relentless promotion of positive experiences found in alcohol advertisements.

Phew, for a second there I thought you were going to … Have I ever told you how attractive you are? I’ve had a crush on you for years. All that bold type is so authoritative and sexy. Fancy a snog? I’m really great at snogging. Plus I’m utterly sad and alone. Do you have any Alka-Seltzer?

Do say: “Gin makes you sad.”

Don’t say: “Other things that make you sad include literally everything that has ever happened in the world over the past decade.”