YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—In an attempt to extricate himself from the moribund lifestyle of his rural town, Catholic priest Father James Callahan found himself seriously considering child molestation this week as a possible avenue of being transferred to a different parish. “There’s just nothing interesting going on here, and while I’d welcome the chance to relocate, I don’t want to wait the usual five years, so I figure I’ll be accused of something with an altar boy and be packing my bags in no time,” said Callahan, who normally has no sexual predilections towards children, but after submitting several fruitless requests for transfer, decided on what he believed was the quickest way to get himself placed in a more sophisticated, urban environment. “The nearest city to here is Dayton and that’s still half an hour away, so I’m kind of going up the walls here. I’d love to end up somewhere where you can get decent sushi, but honestly, even going someplace warm for the winter would be worth being involved with a congregant’s child.” Callahan later elaborated that if he eventually got bored at the new parish, he could most likely keep on molesting kids until he was posted to a sweet gig in Rome.