18 Ways to Build Mental Strength (...Without Being Told To “Man Up”)

Michael Jordan considers himself a failure: by his count, he’s missed more than 9,000 shots. “Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed,” he says. “I’ve failed over and over and over again.” The mentally strong harness that energy to drive them forward. “How you respond to failure is up to you,” says Elizabeth Day, creator of the How to Fail podcast and author of Failosophy. “One way of draining the emotion from failure is to think of it as data acquisition. You’re gaining valuable info about what doesn’t work. Applied correctly, it will bring you closer to the thing that does.”

Not all platitudes are useful. “True self-confidence means trusting in yourself, which is not something you can fake,” explains environmental psychologist Lee Chambers. Think less about your current status and more about your ambitions, then focus on keeping your actions in line with your wished-for future identity. “Having a clear goal and a sense of purpose will propel you to take action, then give you the resilience to keep going when things get tough.”

Your head will give up long before your lungs do. “Ultra-events are tough, but success is all down to mindset,” says Duncan Slater, who became the first double amputee to race to the South Pole and has competed in the brutal Marathon des Sables. “Ultimately, you need to want to do it, and you need to know why, so you can remind yourself when you’re at breaking point.” Visualisation techniques can help, too. Learn the route inside-out: know where the aid stations are, when you’ll eat or rest, what the temperature will feel like at different times of day. Then break it up in your head, a technique that applies to any tough races: “I just need to make it to the eight-mile marker”; “I just need to reach the next aid station.”

Let go of the concept of creative inspiration, or having to be “in the zone”. There will never be a right time to get the work done, and if you’re waiting for the mood to strike, you’ll be waiting a long while. James Clear, author of the bestseller Atomic Habits, advocates committing to a schedule, rather than a deadline. Be specific about when you intend to carry out the task you’re delaying. If life gets in the way, cut it down to size – spend 10 minutes practising the guitar you bought in lockdown, say, rather than the intended 30 minutes. Just don’t give yourself the option to skip it.

“Progress” is the operative word here. You can maintain good health and fitness with a daily plod around the park and a few dumbbell squats, but you won’t get off that plateau. “Exposing yourself to the temporary discomfort of new stimuli is the only way to see continual improvements,” says Tom Foxley, who overcame a heart condition to become a CrossFit coach and founder of Mindset Rx’d. The good news is that you only have to put yourself in that uncomfortable place for two or three hours a week.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s very common for new fathers to struggle with their mental health. “It’s challenging,” sympathises psychotherapist Hendrix Hammond. He advises having a system in place with your partner, so you’re not debating whose turn it is to get up: “This works well if one of you is an early bird and the other a night owl.” Make time for exercise, too. You won’t always keep it together but, trust us, it’ll get easier.

Don’t suppress them – look them squarely in the eye. “I find it helpful to imagine the worst-case scenarios: ‘I’ll never work again, I’ll have no money, my partner will leave me,’” says Day. Write them down. Studies show that seeing your worries in black and white lessens their power. “Now, let your logical brain analyse how much of what you fear is likely to happen,” suggests Day. “You may realise that you have relatively little to fear from making that leap.”

Cold therapy isn’t about pain endurance, but it offers a chance to practise breath control – crucial to keeping your cool. Breathwork coach Artur Paulins suggests you finish your shower with a 30-second cold blast for a week, then alternate a minute of lukewarm water with 30 seconds of cold water the next week. “Inhale through your nose; exhale through the mouth.” If you can keep your cool in an icy onslaught, you’ll be less likely to melt when life gets tough.

Learning to deploy the word “no” comes naturally to some of us, but slowly to others. Many people fear using it, because they fear that they’ll risk losing opportunities in the future, or be seen as unwilling by employers or clients. In reality, the opposite can be true. “My experience has been that when I say ‘no’, my value increases,” says Day. “When you respect yourself, others respect you more, too.” At any rate, “I can’t handle another project,” is an easier conversation to have than: “I can’t handle this job any more.”

Before you take them to task, be clear about exactly why your boss has made the decisions they have. “Then express your thoughts in a way that’s objective and factual, and avoid labelling any decisions as ‘negative’,” says Chambers. You also need to be willing to offer a solution. And if they respond with hostility? A study from Ohio State University found that bafflement and confusion are the most disarming responses.

Confiding in a partner can be one of the most difficult but rewarding decisions that we make. Amy Morin, psychotherapist and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, says that if words such as “depression” feel too heavy at first, you might find it easier to centre the conversation around stress. “Say you’re feeling more stressed than usual, or that you aren’t handling your stress as well as you’d want to. You might even ask if your partner has ever felt similarly. This can open the door to a bigger conversation.”

Being grateful isn’t about passively accepting your circumstances. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who consider themselves grateful have healthier immune systems and get better sleep. Besides, as Morin writes, people who enjoy watching others succeed are more likely to attract successful people with whom they can collaborate. If you won’t do it for the Zen benefits, do it strategically.

Honestly? Perhaps you shouldn’t. The “sunk cost” fallacy wrongly infers that just because you’ve invested time in something, that makes it worth persevering – even if it’s a bit so-so (say, Ozark). “In reality, there are times when continuing a project is counterproductive, and quitting is the intelligent decision,” explains Chambers. Reflection is key: ask whether your true motivation is to avoid temporary discomfort, or whether you believe that the outcomes are not worth the cost. If you lean towards the latter, jack it in.

“Being strong isn’t about refusing to cry, or pretending that your grief isn’t affecting you,” says Morin. She lost her mother and her husband while still in her twenties, so her advice is forged by experience as much as professional expertise. “A great display of strength is showing your family how to grieve in a healthy way. Allow yourself to feel sad, or angry, and deal with all of the emotions that come with loss.” By doing so, you’re also providing your family members with the space to process their feelings – openly, not just privately.

Often, it’s not the news that causes you stress but the sense of helplessness that it evokes. The solution is to align yourself with people whose actions you admire, whether in person, or by supporting and following an online campaign. In other words, trade passive news consumption for active participation.

Taking the Black Lives Matter movement as an example, Eugene Ellis, director of the Black, African and Asian Therapy Network, points to the mental health benefits of seeking solidarity. “It

is not just a political act,” he says. “It’s an antidote to the feelings of powerlessness that many of us experience. When you start to engage, you discover that below the hopelessness is connection. And when you find connection, it’s easier

to know what to do.”

First, remember that nobody will judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. What sounds choked to you might sound perfectly well composed to others. But there are a few tricks that you can employ without resorting to off-label beta-blockers. Our mood is conveyed in our voice, so engage with something that makes you smile before the event, whether that’s by recalling a joke or looking at a photo of your kids. Anxiety can make us quieter, too, so speak ever so slightly louder than feels natural. Josephine Perry, founder of consultancy Performance Mind, advises focusing on the three Ps: preparation (do your research and know your subject), practice (speak the words out loud) and purpose (remember why you’re doing this and what you stand to gain). Now, go get ’em.