My partner and I parent our children very differently

I am a professional man in my early 40s, with two children in their late teens. My eldest child will soon be off to college. My youngest is in school and works part-time. I am divorced and have custody of both, although the eldest spends a few nights a week with his mother.

At one point, we lived with my girlfriend and her two children, now aged 16 and 20. We found it very difficult to blend and could not compromise on rules, structure or expectations. Her children had no chores, missed school and did not have an expectation of participating in family life or following rules. Now, a year later, we are still together but live separately.

We spend two to three nights a week together and do love each other, but I am fearful that we will not have much of a future. I would label her children as enabled. The eldest has been out of school for two years and does not work. The youngest has dropped out of school because of depression. My girlfriend has older children as well and all but one lived with her into their mid-20s. I see this trend repeating and at this rate it will be a decade before we can share a life together.

What is most upsetting is that she will not compromise on her beliefs/duties to her children, but does not see she is hindering our future together. She sweeps my concerns away and says it won’t be that long. I’m concerned that her goal of a real relationship isn’t as strong as mine and that her children will remain dependent on her for years. I am at a point where I resent her and am planning a future alone. This saddens me and I don’t know how to proceed.

Love, second or third time around, when other people’s children (and sometimes also ex-partners) are involved, can be really complicated. No longer are you in a relationship with just one person, but a whole bunch of them. And how your new partner relates to these people is also significant.

Lorraine Davies-Smith, a family psychotherapist (aft.org.uk), thinks there is “an indication of differences between your children and hers that spans a number of areas: educational, work ethic, application, chores.” In other words, pretty much everything. Are there any similarities in the way you parent? You seem to think you stop parenting at a certain point; she seems to have more of a “parent for life” way of thinking. These are quite fundamental differences.

“You seem to have a belief,” says Davies-Smith, “that when her children eventually move out, these differences will no longer impact detrimentally on your relationship. I would suggest this will not be the case. Adult children living away from home can still remain dependent and bring their life problems back to the parents. The pattern of the mother/children relationship they have set is likely to continue despite age and geography.”

It’s not unusual for blended families to have these areas of conflict. But communication and compromise is everything, and you and your girlfriend don’t seem able to do either. So, yes, it’s hard to see how this is going to work. That said, I’d particularly like to hear from people who have bridged these differences successfully.

Davies-Smith also thinks about looking way into the future: “If your relationship progressed and you were to marry, would you be expected to take on joint responsibility for her children as well as your own?”

This is something to think about given how you feel and your inability to communicate effectively. She also thinks you might want to look at how you and your girlfriend were parented and if you are replicating patterns – or avoiding them (something we all do to an extent): “If you grew up being given responsibility and rules to follow and so think that was good for you, then you will do the same with your own children. If she grew up with very strict parents who were not indulgent of her, she may have moved to being overly indulgent.”

But before you give up on it, think about sitting down with a third person (see link above for family therapists) and really try to see this from each other’s point of view. Even just one session could unlock something for you.

It’s not about you convincing her to come round to your way of thinking; it’s about both of you accepting you have different styles and finding a way for your own relationship to flourish.