In his speech from the White House to the Republican National Convention Thursday night, President Donald Trump said that if Joe Biden wins the election in November, Democrats “will make every city look like Democrat-run Portland, Oregon.”
If you heard that message from another city, you might be scared. What if your city did look like Portland? What would that mean? Should you be worried?
Here are 10 things you may see in your city or town, if it begins to look like Portland.
1. Public, constantly flowing water fountains
A Benson Bubbler water fountain pictured in Portland, Oregon in September, 2016.LC- Staff
Dotted throughout the city are a scourge called “Benson Bubblers” -- water fountains that are almost always bubbling freshwater for all who want a drink. Beware, this free-water-for-all is also a favorite of pigeons, who, let’s be honest, are already getting enough handouts.
2. Food carts on nearly every corner
Derek Ingwood presents a foil rose. Portland staple Le Bistro Montage has reinvented itself as a food cart, now known as Montage ala Cart at the Hawthorne Asylum food carts in inner Southeast Portland. Sean Meagher/Staff
In 2016 a Trump surrogate warned of “taco trucks on every corner.” In Portland, the reality is much worse. We have taco trucks aplenty, sure, but we also have barbecue trucks, barbecue taco trucks and trucks with nearly any cuisine you can imagine. Almost every neighborhood has a whole pod full of these monstrosities.
It really makes you think.
3. A preponderance of roses and dahlias and even other flowers
PORTLAND, OREGON - August 10, 2012 Dahlia breed: Scott's Caldera Katie Currid/The Oregonian LC-LC-
Portlanders love to plant and tend to flowers. Of course there are the roses -- the city is nicknamed “Rose City,” after all. But people here also love to cultivate dahlias and sunflowers and other flowers, begging the question: what are they trying to prove?
4. Dedicated bikeways and a car-less bridge
Trimet opened the new Portland-Milwaukie MAX Orange line on Sept. 12, 2015. With the opening go the line came the first official use of the new Tilikum Crossing, Bridge of the People. Randy L. Rasmussen/Staff LC- The OregonianLC- The Oregonian
One major warning sign that your city is beginning to look like Portland is an emphasis on bike paths and a dismissal of the supremacy of the motor vehicle.
We all know that the car should be the force that shapes all cities and while Portland is full of streets and highways and cars-only bridges, would you believe we have the audacity to have a bridge that doesn’t allow cars on it all?
First it’s one bridge without cars and next thing you know, communism.
5. Too many rivers
Still dealing with the coronavirus pandemic, Oregonians gather in and around the Willamette River near the Hawthorne Bridge as temperatures reach 90 degrees for the first time of the year on May 28, 2020. Dave Killen / StaffThe Oregonian
Do you want a city with not one but two major rivers? Of course you don’t! That’s just too many rivers!
6. This guy
Brian Kidd, the Portland man better known as his unicycle-riding bagpipe- playing alter-ego, the Unipiper, casts his Oregon primary ballot by placing it for pick up in his home mailbox.
He rides around town on a unicycle playing the bagpipes in a Darth Vader mask. That’s his whole thing. He’s called “The Unipiper” and if you see one in your town, it’s over.
7. Donut wars
Voodoo Doughnuts (Beth Nakamura/The Oregonian)LC- The Oregonian
In Portland, you have to have an opinion about donuts. Sure, it’s cool if you practice whatever religion you want, or whatever type of yoga you want, but if you even mention to another person that you don’t really have a favorite donut, consider yourself canceled.
8. A whole mountain and sometimes two
PORTLAND, OREGON - Jan. 2, 2014 - As fog settled low over Happy Valley, a lenticular cloud obscured the summit of Mount Hood as the sunrise lit up the wispy clouds. (Thomas Boyd/The Oregonian)Thomas Boyd
Every sunny day, Portlanders are subjected to the glaring eye of Mount Hood, staring down at them in judgment. That overly majestic mountain, coated in white, up against a blue sky, taunts the people below with its glory. And when some of them inevitably give in and drive their cars the hour or so to her top, the lakes are too pristine and there are far too many ski slopes to chose from.
And don’t even get us started on the drama of Mount St. Helens. You exploded dude! Get over yourself!
9. Polite transit riders
A Trimet bus travels over the Hawthorne Bridge Friday April 10. 2020, amid the coronavirus (Covid-19) outbreak in Portland. Mark Graves/StaffMark Graves
The surest sign that your city is a Portland-style hellhole is bus riders who insist on thanking the driver when they get off. There is nothing more Portland, and nothing more disturbing, than the hearty “thank you” directed at every driver, at every stop.
Is Portland a kindness cult? Probably.
10. Rain, so much rain
Walking the dog in Portland rain.Oregonian file photo
What makes the flowers grow, the rivers run, the snow coat the mountain? Rain. Horrible, endless, wet rain. Pray that your city never gets another drop. The results might be too beautiful to stand.
-- Lizzy Acker
503-221-8052, lacker@oregonian.com, @lizzzyacker
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