It seems as though I’ve just turned around and the little kids in our neighborhood — tykes! moppets! ankle-biters! — are headed off to college. Which means it’s for me to present again my time-tested advice to freshmen, suitable for taping to the door of the mini-fridge.
Four years ago I read an essay by motivational speaker and author Jeff Beals, who argued that the secret to success in college can be summed up in three words. I’ll tell you his in a moment, but here are the three I came up with for our twins as they headed off to their respective schools:
Perseverance.
College amounts to an attempt to fulfill a lengthy succession of goals, some of which you set for yourself, some of which are set for you by others. Realizing these goals requires that you make plans and stick to schedules, even when you’d rather be doing something else.
It means you need to be on time and not blow deadlines. It means that when even diligence fails, you should reach out for assistance — a boost from teachers, counselors, mentors, friends, even parents. They usually care more than you know and will often be in your corner for the long haul.
Curiosity.
Cultivating a sense of wonder and asking questions is how best to engage with the subjects you study and the people you meet. Learning and maturing are interactive, not passive, experiences.
We all fight the temptations of self-absorption and complacency. Even beloved newspaper columnists. But you’ll learn more, and people will like you better, if you are (or can force yourself to pretend to be) interested in others and in topics you presume are dull.
If you’re not asking questions, you’re just going through the motions.
Perspective.
Dark nights of the soul are virtually a prerequisite for graduation, as are mornings of shame and epochs of self-doubt. You likely will earn some lousy grades, disappoint people you care about and, if you’re lucky, have your heart broken in a way that toughens you up for the inevitable relationship challenges ahead.
Think long term about these and other setbacks. Learn from them, vow to do better and remember that even total failure isn’t the end of the world at your age. The road to professional and personal fulfillment often zigzags and sometimes doubles back. Have patience, and keep steering toward the goal, even though that goal will not always be clear.
There is some conceptual overlap with the three words that Bealssuggested — responsibility, authority and accountability — as well as with words that readers suggested in the flood of email and social media comments that followed:
Discipline. Commitment. Self-reliance. Determination. Preparation. Attitude. Balance. Organization. Motivation. Attendance. Attention. Integrity. Resilience. Resourcefulness.
This list was starting to sound like an even more earnest version of the Scout Law (” … trustworthy, loyal, helpful …”). But reader Alan Tarot offered a counterpoint: “Your son and daughter don’t need three words,” he wrote. “Only one. Passion. Passion will provide a person with perseverance, curiosity and a long-term perspective.”
Yes, but that’s awfully vague. As for concrete advice, I have the following from a list of instructions I made for the twins in 2011 when they entered high school:
Leave nothing for the morning. Before you go to bed, gather your books and assignments, pack your lunch, charge your phone and lay out your clothes. Drama and anxiety are no way to start the school day.
Strive never to be late. Tardiness is a sign of disrespect to teachers and fellow students.
Remember names. It’s a way to at least pretend that you’re not utterly self-absorbed.
Never gloss over unfamiliar words when you’re reading or pretend to understand something that you don’t. Having a broad and ready vocabulary will not only help you on the standardized tests and college admissions exams, but it will also help you think and allow you to express yourself better. “Can you explain that again, please?” is a smart, not shameful thing to say.
Don’t sweat the “relevance” question. A lot of what you’ll have to learn won’t seem important or directly related to your goals. And, honestly, a lot of it won’t be. Within a few years you’ll forget most of the facts you’ll stick into term papers or regurgitate on exams. What you won’t forget, though, is how to attack an assignment — how to research, analyze, criticize and refine; how to tell good ideas from bad ones.
Keep a calendar and make lists. If you manage your time well, school will not make you nuts. Create and keep to a study schedule and an assignment calendar that has larger tasks broken into intermediate chunks with their own deadlines. Staying caught up in your classwork is the most important and for some the hardest aspect of school, as it requires limiting the time you spend socializing and entertaining yourself by staring at screens.
Be kind. When you’re older, you’ll regret all the times you were careless with the feelings of others, and you’ll remember fondly those who accepted and included you when they didn’t have to. You can’t be admired if you’re hated or feared, and being admired for your good character is the most noble ambition there is.
Shrug off your insecurities. Even the popular kids have them, as I’ve learned in frank conversations at reunions. No one thinks about or notices your particular imperfections nearly as much as you imagine them, and it is a sign of strength to laugh at yourself.
Trust those who love and care about you. Believe it or not, the teachers and parents and other relatives who will ride you hard (if you’re lucky) really want you to succeed. And despite their advanced age and cultural cluelessness, they can and want to help you through just about any academic or personal problem you’ll encounter. They’re on your side.
After his freshman year, my son Ben had one thing in particular he wanted to add to all my windy, “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!” optimism, enthusiasm and exhortations:
“Don’t expect things to be perfect,” he said.
Re:Tweets
Speaking of great expectations, the winner of this week’s reader poll to select the funniest tweet was @michelada74 for “My childhood led me to believe there would be more men running through airports, standing in the rain yelling, serenading me in uncomfortable ways, and/or casting off societal expectations to be with me by now.”
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Twitter @EricZorn
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