Party nibbles
Winner
Tesco Spiced Vegetable Roll Selection, £2
Moreish nibbles, good pastry and actually quite lovely fillings which only a hard heart would get snittery about. It’s not veggie “sausage” inside the casing, but pleasantly seasoned mush; they’ll soak up your Crémant de Loire nevertheless. The butternut squash is my favourite, the Moroccan spiced one is my second, and the katsu flavour curry one will be a fun way to provoke meltdowns in millennials.
Score: 9/10
Runner-up
Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference 10 Korean BBQ Jackfruit Bites, £4.50
Attractive, crunchy balls of roughly chopped jackfruit with a bolshy amount of heat. Don’t say a word and these could pass as pulled pork. The Gochujang dip isn’t wonderful, but all supermarket dipping sauces taste of kryptonite; that’s just the law. Do be careful with jackfruit as its laxative properties are never going to win the vegan public relations war.
Score: 7/10
Special mention
Waitrose 12 Vegan Jackfruit Tacos, £7
There’s something oddly gynaecological about these stuffed, pink tacos, but let’s not fanny about: they taste delicious. Good crisp shell with barbecue-flavoured innards; great finger food. “Netflix and chill”, as code, has had its day: this Christmas, invite a friend over to share a Vegan Jackfruit Taco.
Score: 5/10
Could do better
Tesco Finest 8 Thai Inspired Butternut Coconut & Lime Spring Rolls, £5
Dry, papery, unlovable rolls of squash with a lemongrass after-taste that just won’t end, a bit like a Jools Holland Hootenanny. Not spring rolls so much as unidentifiable orange gloop wrapped in the Dead Sea Scrolls. Nibbles to serve the neighbour who you suspect keeps moving your wheelie bin.
Score: 2/10
Roasts
Winner
Waitrose Vegan Beet Wellington, £6.99
Gorgeous-looking, delicate, pink-tinged pastry mounds which, when sliced open, unveil, almost comedically, a whole roast beet. Solves the angst of any chef worried about shortchanging their vegan guest. Quite the contrary: this dish is a showstopper. The mushroom duxelle layer is a touch stingy, but the pastry is delicious and crisp. The whole thing is simply heartwarming.
Score: 9/10
Runner-up
Tesco Finest Cauliflower Wellington, £6
An entire cauliflower wrapped in pastry is as ludicrous as it sounds; still it’s adorable that vegans can feel truly included in the brouhaha of a “traditional dinner” – the carving, the serving. Takes careful cooking: you need to blast it so the cauliflower softens without burning the pastry. It won’t convert meat-eaters to the cause, as it looks like a football wrapped in shortcrust, and the cauliflower itself is pretty au naturelle. Still, like most things, a bit of gravy will sort it out.
Score: 7/10
Special mention
Asda Extra Special 2 Mushroom & Lentil Nut Roasts With Caramelised Onion Melt, £2.50
Don’t be fooled by their understated packaging. Yes, they look like everyday veggie burgers, but they’re awesome, punchy slices of puy lentil, mushroom, garlic and herbs with a “butter star” on top, and are simply delicious. And freezable, too, for vegan emergencies. Cook in a very hot oven till they turn brown. I wish it could be Christmas every day.
Score: 8/10
Could do better
Morrisons Cranberry and Pistachio Nut Roast, £5
A slab of retro Greenham Common fare. A beige block in a tray that you might get in half-heartedly for your cousin who doesn’t believe in gift-buying, fabric conditioner or MMR vaccines.
Score: 2/10
Sides
Winner
M&S Vegan Cauliflower Bake, £3.25
An absolute knockout, with really cheesy faux-cheese sauce and a crunchy breadcrumb topping. The florets were soft, but still had bite. Set to cause a vegan stampede in M&S and territorial spats at the dinner table. Creations like this show how far the supermarkets have progressed in five years when it comes to nailing dairy-free.
Score: 8/10
Runner-up
Asda Extra Special 2 Beetroot & Spinach Melts, £2
Not the prettiest shape; mashed beet formed into industrial cookie circles, jammed together with a non-dairy filling, but it is saved by great seasoning. They’re moist, sweet and cheddary, and a gorgeous purple colour. Would be just as good shoved in a roll as a fancy festive burger.
Score: 7/10
Could do better
Waitrose Vegan Cauliflower & Broccoli Bake, £3.29
Cauliflower mush in coconuty sauce; a sort of pina colada cauliflower gloop that is well-meaning but ultimately sticks in your throat, like a Season’s Greetings card from your ex-husband. The sort of thing that makes teetering vegans begin grating Red Leicester into their faces.
Score: 2/10
Could do better
Morrisons Pumpkin & Sticky Fruit Stuffing Log, £3
Lord God, what is this and why is it killing Christmas? A sturdy brick of stuffing that looks like sponge pudding and tastes like stale bread. It sits there, festively glistening, saying, “Buy me, I come in peace”, but this is a lie. Surely industrial sabotage by Paxo, which is already vegan, in order to drive up sales of Sage and Onion. I’d put it outside in the bird feeder, only I’m not catering for a flock of famished emus.
Score: 1/10
Most delicious dessert
Co-op Irresistible Jewelled Berry Terrine, £3
A shimmering, delicate, multi-layered jelly with berries across its floor. So simple, but wonderful. Serve with Alpro non-dairy custard or Oatly “creme fraiche” to make a brilliant, decadent vegan trifle. Co-op is also doing vegan vodka jelly shots, made from the same stuff. They have quite the kick, and should be renamed Mummy’s Special Coping Jellies.
Score: 8/10
Give this a miss…
Iceland No Turkey Christmas Dinner, £3
Perhaps you were put into cryosleep and launched in a space rocket to Mars, but when you awoke in 2118 all the other crew were dead. On Christmas Day you found something – a microwave Christmas dinner loaded in the supplies a century ago. And it was supposed to make you feel festive joy, but in your solitary, fragile state you stare sadly at the fake chicken pieces, the weird bits of parsnip and floating cranberries in the water that isn’t gravy so much as brown, chemical-flavoured seepage, and it feels like the final straw.
You eat the meal alone, at your intergalactic monitor in a party hat, quietly grateful it doesn’t make you more upset by reminding you of actual food.
This feels like that.