WASHINGTON—Insisting to the nation that it’s totally fine in there and that they definitely don’t need any help, the country’s top experts from the other room reported Friday that 87 percent of loud crashing noises are nothing.
Speaking in muffled voices audible from the other side of the wall, the experts confirmed that nearly nine in 10 of these sounds—which included thuds, bangs, and a crash followed by a pause and then several smaller crashes in quick succession—honestly aren’t anything at all.
“Not a thing to worry about,” the experts said almost instantaneously after a loud clatter suddenly rang out from the adjacent room. “It’s okay.”
“Everything’s okay,” they added.
Despite initially reporting “Dammit!” and “God dammit!” separated by several seconds, experts from the other room emphasized that all such preliminary statements should now be entirely disregarded, because the situation is, in fact, completely fine. They went on to clarify that it’s really not a big deal at all and any exasperated groans overheard from the other room should just be ignored.
According to the experts, who spoke over the sound of something in the other room shattering, 37 percent of the noises aren’t anything you need to concern yourself with, 29 percent are no problem whatsoever, and the remaining 21 percent are not nearly as bad as they just sounded.
In 100 percent of cases, the other-room experts said everything is cool and there is absolutely no reason to get up.
Sources stated that the crashing noises from the other room were often followed by a number of quieter sounds, including what seemed to be a series of rapid footsteps and the scraping of an object being dragged across the floor.
“Being taken care of,” said the other-room experts. “Yeah, no, it’s fine. Just stay where you are. Just stay in there.”
At press time, the clamor had stopped, and after a minute of silence, the experts in the other room overwhelmingly determined that they were so completely fucked.