Beverley Mitchell Talks 'What Might Have Been' Four Months After Revealing She Miscarried Twins

Like many moms who have experienced the tragedy of miscarriage, grief hasn’t been a straight line for Beverley Mitchell.

Almost four months after revealing she suffered a miscarriage early last year, the former 7th Heaven actress opened up in a touching essay about how she still finds herself thinking about “what might have been” for her family that also includes husband Michael Cameron, 4-year-old son Hutton Michael and daughter Kenzie Lynne, 6 this month.

“The past week I have found myself reflecting on what might have been. You see, if I didn’t miscarry, I would have a baby, possibly two babies joining our family,” wrote Mitchell, 38, who was expecting twins when she and Cameron learned the sad news. “Though I understand in my heart that this was not our path, I can’t help but wonder.”

The star went on to explain to her readers in her Monday post that she wasn’t “looking for sympathy” but “just the acknowledgment that it happened, because what hurts the most, at least for me is the dismissal of it.”

“But this last week has thrown me a curveball and I have been downright SAD,” Mitchell continued. “I’ve been struggling, I’m physically fine but my heart hurts, and my mind is tired. My husband is a saint and has been so kind and supportive; he lets me feel what I need to but is there to pick up the pieces and just hold me.”

Want all the latest pregnancy and birth announcements, plus celebrity mom blogs? Click here to get those and more in the PEOPLE Parents newsletter.

Mitchell admitted that while she is “so incredibly grateful” for Kenzie and Hutton, “in my heart I know we are not complete, I so strongly feel there is another little soul waiting to join our family, and that is where I struggle.”

“Behind my smile, my heart just hurt! And of course the kids talk about wanting another brother or sister so that is tough,” the Hollywood Darlings star explained, adding that she had difficulty allowing herself to be sad at first but has since come to terms with that part and is prioritizing being transparent about her journey.

“I have always been real with you all, and you may have noticed a shift in my energy this past week on social media. I don’t ever want to be the one to pretend and to hide behind a perfect life (ps there is no such thing), and I think the gift of social media is the love and support, the sense of community,” Mitchell wrote. “So I wanted to share my truth with you all and thank you for giving me a platform, for being honest and real.”

RELATED VIDEO: Vienna Girardi Mourns Twins She Lost to Miscarriage on What Would’ve Been Their Due Date

For the actress and mother of two, a big ingredient in processing her feelings successfully has been to realize that “everyone grieves differently” — but regardless, the fresh grief “snuck up on” her this month.

“But this week I have made the decision to move forward, to focus on the beauty of my life, my incredible husband and the two most beautiful angels that I could not be more grateful,” Mitchell wrote. “This week will be a good week because that is the space I am creating.”

“So to all those who are suffering, know that it is okay to take time to feel it all,” she advised. “Give yourself a minute, sometimes life sucks but in the same breath life can be pure MAGIC. So let yourself feel, but also allow yourself to be open to the beauty and the magic too. Because in the darkness there is the beauty of the light!”