Well, this all got super stupid, super quickly.
Donald Trump woke up with a bone to pick with former Vice President Joe Biden after Biden told students at the University of Miami earlier this week that he would have “beat the hell out” of Trump if they’d gone to school together.
Furiously tweeting about “Crazy Joe” at 6:19 a.m. Thursday, Trump managed to both complain about Biden’s threats while threatening the dude at the same time.
“Crazy Joe Biden is trying to act like a tough guy. Actually, he is weak, both mentally and physically, and yet he threatens me, for the second time, with physical assault,” Trump wrote, sounding not unlike a kid tattling on a classmate to his teacher while trying to make it very clear that he could whoop his classmate’s ass if he wanted to.
“He doesn’t know me, but he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way. Don’t threaten people Joe,” Trump concluded.
This is how we got here: On Tuesday, Biden brought up the lewd comments Trump made in an Access Hollywood tape that resurfaced during the 2016 presidential campaign.
“A guy who ended up becoming our national leader said, ‘I can grab a woman anywhere and she likes it,’” Biden said. “They asked me if I’d like to debate this gentleman, and I said no. I said, ‘If we were in high school, I’d take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him.’”
And, because Biden couldn’t help himself: “I’ve been in a lot of locker rooms my whole life. I’m a pretty damn good athlete. Any guy that talked that way was usually the fattest, ugliest SOB in the room.”
So, here we are, forced to imagine the dumbest case of political celebrity death matches ever between two literal grandpas over the age of 70. Biden, at 75, is definitely the fitter and probably the scrappier of the two. And at 71, the only thing really working for Trump’s borderline-obese ass is his size and weight advantage; I’d say y’all’s president looks like he’d fight dirty as hell (at least, he would when the punches aren’t scripted), but we all know he’s got bone spurs and shit, so he’d probably just get John Kelly to do his dirty work for him (if he can remember to keep him on staff long enough).
But honestly, if you really want to see two old-ass white men fight, there are bingo nights on New York City’s Staten Island that are probably better worth your time.