The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
La La Land (Best Picture): Damien Chazelle’s masterpiece blew the competition out of the water in terms of how many songs are in it
Natalie Portman (Best Actress): Narrowly edges out Meryl Streep for her superior portrayal of a rich socialite with an infamously bad voice
I Am Not Your Negro (Best Documentary Feature): Brilliantly tackles issues of race and discrimination in America, and viewers who haven’t seen it yet can rest assured that it will remain relevant for the next eight to nine decades at least
My Life As A Zucchini (Best Animated Feature Film): Academy voters won’t be able to resist this unique opportunity to fuck up everyone’s Oscar ballots
Walt Disney Studios (Best Return On Investment): Disney’s diverse, well-managed portfolio of reliable franchises was a smash hit among investors and financiers alike
Arrival (Best Adapted Screenplay): A film that rose to the immense challenge of adapting the script from its nonlinear, heptapodic source material
The White Helmets (Best Documentary Short Subject): All due respect to other heart-wrenching Syrian civil war stories nominated, but George Clooney’s involved here
Sully (Sound Editing): No movie did a better job capturing the sound of geese getting just fucking shredded in an airplane’s turbine than Sully