‘It’s 2017 and the patriarchy’s grip is as strong as ever.” If, like many self-respecting bros, you are turned off by mentions of the word “patriarchy” – I know exactly what you mean. The only reason to take that one seriously was that it was uttered by a man hiding in an embassy to avoid a rape investigation. So it’s the good kind!
The context of Julian Assange’s remark was far-right candidate Marine Le Pen losing the French election. “First Hillary, now Marine,” lamented a guy you should in no way judge to be an ironicidal maniac. “It’s 2017 and the patriarchy’s grip is as strong as ever.” Indeed, the fact that Swedish prosecutors have now dropped their rape investigation into Assange shows just how right the WikiLeaks founder continues to be about this matter, and how he remains a beacon of hope for other radical feminists seeking to wait out the efforts of justice in a diplomatic space with only the likes of Nigel Farage, Kathy Lette, John Pilger and Yoko Ono for occasional company. (In many ways, I always felt Assange’s Ecuadorian embassy guest list was in itself an alternative form of justice. But is it scalable? Probably not.)
According to the official statement, the case has been taken as far as it can be without Assange appearing in court in Sweden, which – let’s go out on a limb – feels slightly less likely than his appearing in the next series of The Handmaid’s Tale. I think we all learned a really important lesson here, which is that if you wait a really long time and absolutely refuse to face up to them, bad things go away.
In fact, plenty of Assange supporters will think it would have been far better for the women who alleged they had been sexually assaulted by Julian to have taken that classic approach, even if they wouldn’t have been able to see it all the way through to the “bad things go away” phase.
But let’s steer away from the sadface stories on this day of celebration. Before his typically disingenuous turn on the embassy balcony on Friday afternoon, Assange himself opted to tweet a T-shirted, easy-like-Sunday-morning photograph of himself grinning the relaxed smile that says: “Yes, I know this would look better with a Make America Great Again baseball hat. But shopping’s been a little difficult lately!”
The image was promptly retweeted by his special lady caller, Pamela Anderson – and we shall have to see where this goes. The erstwhile Baywatch star recently published a prose poem titled My Julian, while both have given several interviews coyly declining – albeit at some length – to discuss the special nature of what they have together.
My instinct is that Assange could be getting ahead of himself a bit here. To examine the affected insouciance of the photo of himself he posted is to suspect Julian is daydreaming of Pamela coming to pick him up from the embassy in a classic Ford convertible with a pair of jeans to go with the T-shirt. Like the Levi’s ad where Brad Pitt gets released from desert jail, picked up by a hot girl who brings him a pair of jeans, and they dry-hump to T. Rex for the benefit of his jailer and the consumer public, and all the jealous guys be hating on him.
And yet, be they? The Metropolitan police lost no time in confirming that Assange is still wanted for skipping bail in 2012, and will be arrested if he leaves the embassy.
Frankly, that might be the get-out – or rather, the stay-in – Pamela needs. This feels worse than all that business with her former husband, Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee. Psychologists often suggest that women who are drawn to disturbingly unsuitable men are the type who form relationships with those who are incarcerated, as it allows them to engage without placing themselves in danger. Certainly, we know various high-profile prisoners do well with the ladies – Charles Bronson, for instance, can never move for visitors, penpals and/or fiancees. He used to have a website – you’re not the only one with a website, Julian – where he posted the sexy photos they sent him. Though it seems to be down currently, possibly on account of the fact he recently got married again (inside) to a young lady who describes him as “the inspiration I have been waiting for my whole life”.
Anyway. I can’t help feeling Julian’s image is not flattered by his news coming in the very week of the release of Chelsea Manning, who released the original vast trove of state secrets to WikiLeaks, and who he carelessly misgendered during the balcony scene. Chelsea’s incarceration has been a little bit different to Julian’s. For a start, she was actually incarcerated, as opposed to being on the run in a Knightsbridge embassy where celebrity visitors were given to delivering frequent care hampers from the nearest grocer (Harrods). Chelsea was once barred from the prison library, gym, and outdoor areas for 21 days for being caught with expired toothpaste and some magazines. And I think Julian once had some paté that went off a bit or something.
And while Chelsea continues to choose dignity, some legal experts speculate that Julian may still have to stay holed up until 2020 to allow all statutes of limitations to expire. But Captain WikiLeaks will get out of pretend-jail eventually. And when he does, we must hope that he doesn’t go down that classic movie path of being lured into one last job by a Mr Big – or a President Big, or whoever – that ends up doing for him, just when he thought he’d escaped.