If you spend a lot of time on social media, the chances are you will have read, or used, a phrase that in the language of online exchange is assumed to be pretty hilarious. “Said no one ever” is an off-the-rack punchline designed to fall at the end of a deliberately absurd statement, inverting the meaning of what came before it and advertising the user as someone who is both clever and playful, as well as inside the tent with the rest of the cool kids.
The phrase is used as the punchline in a recent TV commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines, in an attempt to persuade millennials to take more sea-based vacations. Cruise ships are awesome said no one ever, anyway my point is it’s time to stop using it.
Before the joke expired, use of “said no one ever” was just the evolution of sticking “not” on the end of a sentence, that childish craze of the late 1990s which was itself an extension of the playground game of bending double with laughter whenever someone said something and yelling “It’s opposites day!” in their face.
The difference, these days, is that these hilarities are all written down. Thanks to digital media, there is a greater premium on written language than at any time since the 18th century and for millions of users, one’s online reputation rises or falls on the ability to make relatively sophisticated written-down jokes. As a result, there has been a boom in stock phrases that even the most inept user can deploy, safe in the knowledge that at least one person on his or her timeline won’t have seen it before and will come away thinking their friend is Voltaire.
“Said no one ever” is the most obvious of these witticisms. But there are many others, all of which turn on a kind of entry-level sarcasm redolent of the end-times we live in, and all of which are approaching retirement. At the top, obviously, is the Twitter meta-comment [inserts comment about Deflategate here], once funny, now not funny.
Then, I would suggest, the bathetic “so that happened”, usually accompanied by a link to something wonderful, gruesome or utterly unbelievable and creating just the right level of po-faced irony to make everyone feel thoroughly pleased with themselves.
I’m not suggesting that these locutions were never funny. They were! And it is possible that someone brainy will think of a way to subvert the current usage of “said no one ever” and move the joke along. (Or, in a move that exhausts me just to think about, it will start to be used as a knowingly bad joke, delivered inside double sets of air quotes.)
For now, however, the phrase is dying on the beach and if you need further persuading, Carnival isn’t the first corporate advertiser to use it. The vanguard, as far as I can tell, were those companies who pride themselves on always being ahead of the pack – that is, those who advertise on the New York City subway system – and who have been using “said no one, ever” since the end of last year. (I’m referring mainly to the 2014 campaign for Manhattan Mini-Storage, which, over a photo of a chaotic New York apartment, ran the tagline “’it looks like this because I’m planning on buying a pig,’ said no one, ever.”)
There’s an Australian cleaning product called Handee (“towel in a box”) which has for at least a year been using the punchline “I love how far this spill is spreading, said no one ever.”
And finally, the Chicago Transport Authority launched a $5m campaign earlier this year, designed to persuade 20-somethings to use public transport, and which, over the photo of parking space, ran the tagline, ‘I love paying $30 for parking!’ said no one ever”. The ad was focus grouped on a bunch of students at the University of Illinois, where their lecturer confirmed that the humor of the ad was “an effective technique in reaching millennials.” *Buys gun, shoots self in face. *(Referring to oneself in stage directions also has to go, too. Right now).
It’s hard, I know. One becomes very attached to these sayings. And it will be a pain to have to think of something new to say when, tomorrow, an issue comes along simply begging for your commentary.
I would, however, urge you to try your best, so that next time you think about typing “Who does that?” or “how’s that working out for you?” or “Shut. The. Fuck. Up” into Facebook, remind yourself that what you’re about to share is approximately as funny as “get a room!” or “talk to the hand!” were in 2003. This way, it won’t be long before these threadbare phrases die out, so that “Said no one ever,” said no one ever. (Sorry)