LOS ANGELES—Often spotted rummaging in backyards or skittering across local streets in tattered designer clothing, a roving pack of feral celebrities continues to plague residents living in the Hollywood Hills, sources confirmed Monday.
The mangy film, television, and recording industry stars are reportedly proving a particular nuisance to homeowners, who say they cause property damage and often keep the neighborhoods they prowl awake with their loud, screeching vocalizations. Local business owners have also lodged complaints, saying the filth-covered celebs travel down the hills in groups by night to feed on scraps from dumpsters behind Spago and Chateau Marmont.
“Until we get this population under control, we ask that you securely fasten your garbage can lids, and whatever you do, please don’t feed these celebrities or give them any attention—that will only encourage them to return to residential areas,” said neighborhood council president Anastasia Mann, urging residents to contact authorities immediately should they spot an aggressive starlet or litter of reality show contestants holed up underneath their porch or pool house. “In many cases, these stars been abandoned by their agents or handlers. Most have gone years without a role or hit album, which has left them prone to desperate, erratic, and unpredictable behavior. ”
“Even though a frail, unkempt Freddie Prinze Jr., for example, may appear to be friendly, do not go near him,” she continued. “There’s no telling what kinds of diseases he may be carrying.”
Local property owners said they have seen the nighttime scavengers raiding their bird feeders and digging up kale, chia seeds, and Swiss chard from their gardens, the glow of their beady eyes reportedly visible across darkened lawns. One resident said he recently turned on his outdoor light only to witness a tick-ridden Neve Campbell scurrying away from his trash bin with a half-empty yogurt container between her teeth.
Though the exact size of the feral pack is unknown, officials estimate it has grown from roughly a dozen emaciated WB network stars back in 2011 to more than a hundred ravenous screen actors, models, Top 40 singers, and at least a handful of personalities from the World Series of Poker tour. The problem reportedly began drawing more attention last month after a car hit a scruffy, gaunt Skeet Ulrich on Mulholland Drive, and a bedraggled horde of former Disney child stars immediately began swarming his flattened remains.
Authorities also confirmed the entire cast of the former NBC show Chuck had recently been found burrowing together for warmth beneath the “D” of the Hollywood sign.
“I’d never seen one of those things up close until I found Adam Duritz rooting around in my garage a few months ago,” Aidan Hubbard, 53, told reporters outside his Whitley Heights home, where he said the Counting Crows frontman hissed and bared his teeth at him. “He was just caked in dirt and had grass and leaves in his hair. We discovered he’d been living in our crawl space, and my wife felt so bad she set food out for him. I know they say that only makes the problem worse, but we just couldn’t help but pity the furry little guy. Now I see those things everywhere.”
“Git!” he added, shooing away a scrawny Denise Richards lurking near his driveway.
A number of residents have argued these derelict entertainers need help, noting that many appear to be in urgent need of medical care and a qualified stylist. Some may also require rehabilitation services, given numerous reports of frenzied, disoriented stars finding their way into houses and clawing apart bathrooms in search of prescription drugs.
The growing nuisance has raised concerns over neighborhood safety, particularly following an incident in which an unprovoked Hector Elizondo of Chicago Hope fame was seen attacking guests at a backyard barbecue. Officials said the pests pose a threat not only to the community, but to the local ecosystem as well.
“Aggressive hunters such as Academy Award winner Geena Davis or Titanic’s Billy Zane can dramatically alter populations of small mammals, sometimes even snatching pets from their owners’ porches,” said Mann, who noted she no longer allows her Bichon Frise outside alone after a series of vicious encounters with Debra Winger. “Obviously, something must be done soon. Just the other day my neighbor sat down to a breakfast on her patio only to find the bloated carcass of Patrick Duffy floating in their pool.”
“The best thing we can do is remain vigilant as we wait for trained casting directors to lure these creatures out of the woods with made-for-TV movie scripts or small cameo roles in studio films,” she continued. “That way they can be coaxed into traps and put down humanely.”