Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: Season 7, Episode 2

Our episode begins with Kyle and Rinna driving around Beverly Hills in a new red-and-black Lambo (thanks, smokin’ hot Mauricio!), wearing matching red trucker hats. The hats are so Ed Hardy-ish, I kind of expect them to travel through time, pull up to Le Deux, and pour drinks on L.C., Brody, and Lo. Rinna makes two very telling confessions: Prior to Erika’s party, she hadn’t seen VDP in months, which is dramatic; and her phone keeps autocorrecting “Dorit” to “Doritos,” which is kind of amazing.

Cut to VDP, who’s right where she belongs riding a horse with an absurdly frilly name: His Royal Highness, Prince Tardon. It’s here we get some VDP backstory, which is always a moment to be savored like a plate of SUR’s fried calamari. Turns out, she had 15 — 15! — horses when she lived in England, and now she only has two mini ponies. Aww, poor baby! But the first horse she ever had was a birthday present from Ken when she was in her twenties. He presented it to her in her house during the middle of her party. Not only have I never dated anyone who could afford to buy me a horse, but I have never even seen a home in which said horse could fit through the door (and I don’t think VDP grew up in a barn). Anyone else?

Erika had her birthday moment last week, so now it’s Dorit’s time to shine. She’s turning the big 4-0 and PK is throwing her a big party without any help from her. Dorit’s nervous because, and I quote, she’s “exceptional” when it comes to details, but PK puts her at ease when he tells her everything he does is with “precision.” Oh, these two — so modest! She has a feeling PK is gifting her a car, but no matter how much cash he drops, if the car is Tiffany Blue, she won’t even be able to fake a smile. She simply cannot. What can I say? Rules are rules, baby. But Dorit has nothing to worry about: PK surprises her with a $230,000 rose-gold convertible Bentley, which she seemingly cannot drive as evidenced by her struggle-bus down the front driveway.

Finally, we get enough of the car talk/product placement and into some fun with… Erika! (Erika and VDP are the driving force of this show — without ’em, we’d all be hanging by a thread.) It’s time for a rehearsal for Erika Jayne’s next hit, “Expensive.” Team Erika likes the fleshy, booty girls — no skinny minnies for this crew — and they’re all going to be dressed in bikinis and heels. Erika seems uncharacteristically uncomfortable with the conservative lewk. Side note: Who else thinks Erika should have her own Erika Jayne spin-off, complete with dancers, glittering sweat, and rehearsal deliberations? C’mon, Bravo. I’d watch that for the hair extensions alone.

NEXT: Confrontations surface at Dorit’s birthday party

Meanwhile, Dorit’s birthday party is underway, and by Bravo standards, it’s as lackluster as if it were being held in a McDonald’s parking lot. I mean, Boy George isn’t even there! Sure, soccer star Robbie Keane is in attendance (I’m sorry, who?), there’s a man in zebra printed pants, and VDP is wearing sheer, dazzling gloves up to her elbows — so there’s a leetle something to keep us entertained, but the party is as snoozy as they come. That is, until PK works his magic and opens a mystery door, unveiling an epic Buddha-themed bash that was somehow completely concealed until now. There’s a sushi chef (we would expect nothing less), images of Dorit’s face displayed everywhere (again, we’d expect nothing less), an ice sculpture, a panic-attack-inducing light show, and specialty cocktails… What else could you want? Oh, an apology from Rinna.

While VDP makes no moves towards forging peace with Rinna, she does want to make amends with Eileen (who, based on two episodes, seems to be getting no screen time this season). VDP apologizes before we cut to commercial break — dramatique! — but ah, she was expressing her condolences for Eileen’s recently deceased mother. VDP is all, b-tch please, I would never apologize to you for anything else.

Meanwhile, since VDP hasn’t had enough confrontations for one Buddha birthday party, Rinna shimmies her way over and does the unimaginable — she apologizes. “I’m sorry for being so hard on you,” she says to VDP, who agrees they should move on. Our Lisa homecoming is actually quite anticlimactic. Cue the sweet, sweet sounds of Buddha-inspired techno music, because clearly, that’s a thing.