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If you are from Northeast Ohio, you already know how to speak Midwestern. It's in the nose.
We Clevelanders sound nothing like Ohioans from Columbus or Cincinnati. The folks down there have accents, right? And don't even get us started about the way they talk in Pittsburgh and Minneapolis.
We Clevelanders, of course, do naht hayev ayaccents.
Well, we don't think we do. That's a key part of the Midwestern ethos. We don't think we have an accent at all, says Edward McClelland, a Chicagoan (some older natives would call it Chicawgo) and author of "How to Speak Midwestern."
Author Edward "Ted" McClelland gives a presentation during a book signing in Chicago, or, as many longtime residents there say, Chicawgo.
The book was published by Cleveland's Belt Publishing. Sales are robust around the Midwest and strongest in Cleveland, he said last week.
The Midwest hosts many English-language dialects. He sorts them into three distinct dialect regions based on migration patterns and other factors.
McClelland defines the Midwest as west of Exit 41 on the New York State Thruway, east of the Missouri River and north of the Ohio River. Clevelanders speak the Inland North dialect, which is spoken in the lower Great Lakes from Buffalo to Milwaukee..
It's basically the language of the Rust Belt. It's nasal and marked by a raised "a" that makes "cat" sound like "cayat," a fronted "o" that makes "box" sound like "bahx." Also, when someone is speaking Inland North, you know the difference between "cot" and "caught" because we pronounce them differently. In most other parts of the country, he says, "cot" and "caught" sound the same.
McClelland cites Dennis Kucinich as a shining example of Cleveland's version of the Inland North accent.
Dennis Kucinich and the Cleveland Inland North accent:
Only a small sliver of Northern Ohio speaks Inland North. The rest of the state speaks with a Midland accent, where "wash" becomes "warsh." A "box" is a "bawx." The Midland dialect stretches from western Pennsylvania across parts of Ohio, Indians, Illinois and Iowa. Ohio Governor "Jawn" Kasich speaks this dialect.
John Kasich and the Midland accent:
The North Central dialect prominently features the "cot-caught" merger and something called the "monophthongal o," which makes words like "know" sound like "knoo." It encompasses the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, Wisconsin and Minnesota and if you liked the movie "Fargo," you've heard an exaggerated version of it in Brainerd, Minn. Police Chief Marge Gunderson.
An exaggerated North Central accent, Frances McDormand as Marge Gunderson:
Grammercy Pictures
As a general rule, Midwesterners speak through their noses, we hit our "r's" hard, we drop vowels ("steak 'n ptayta") and we butcher foreign names. Visitors from Italy would puzzle at My-lan Ohio, as those from Peru would scratch their heads over Ly-ma. If you really want to see Frenchman blanch, point him in the direction of Ver-sales.
It's important to note there are variations and anomalies across the Midwest. And another key caveat, says McClelland, is that many African Americans maintain speech patterns from the South after migrating north, so the same accents may not be evident.
McClelland's book was reviewed in the New York Times and featured in the Times of London. He says he thinks it struck a nerve first because of Donald Trump's success in the Midwest and second because it taps into an important aspect of who we are.
"Accents are part of our regional identity," McClelland said. "And there is a feeling that these distinct accents aren't as distinctive as they used to be. This is an aspect of regional identity people want to hold on to, but accents and dialects always change over time."
We also distinguish ourselves, McClelland notes, by the terminology we use. In Cleveland, the grassy area between the sidewalk and the curb is a tree lawn. In Akron and Youngstown, it's a devil strip.
Have you ever been to a party store? If you have party plates, it's likely you have. Michiganders know a party store is a liquor store. Clevelanders know party plates are yellow and red license plates that repeated drunken drivers are compelled to slap on their vehicles.
Before you go out to exercise, you lace up your tennis shoes, right? Even though few of us actually play tennis. Or are they your sneakers? Some in the Midwest, like residents of Illinois, call them gym shoes.
We drink pop, not soda or Coke, unless the pop happens to actually be a Coca-Cola.
"Most people outside of Cleveland have no idea what 'city chicken' is (pork cubes on a skewer)," said McClelland. "And a Polish Boy? I didn't know what that was, but it's hard to eat. The fries keep falling off."
See if you know some of these regionalisms (answers below):
Youngstown: Cookie Table
Buffalo: Polish Patio or Polish Porch
Chicago: Pinners
Indiana: Pitch In
Iowa: Dutch Letter
Michigan: Troll
Minnesota: Cake Eater
Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh Toilet
St. Louis: Provel
Milwaukee: Milwaukee Goiter
Answers:
Cookie Table: A must at Youngstown weddings, it's what it sounds like, a table full of cookies. It dates back to the depression, when funds for a wedding cake were hard to come by and family stocked the cookie table.
Polish Patio/Porch: A screened in garage that's used as a living room in the summer.
Pinners: A street game played by flinging a rubber ball against a set of concrete steps.
Pitch In: A potluck supper, also known as a carry-in.
Dutch Letter: A Christmas treat in Dutch-settled Northwest Iowa. They're S-shaped pastries filled with almond paste and studded with sugar crystals.
Troll: The term residents of Michigan's Upper Peninsula use for those who live in the Lower Peninsula, or "under" the Mackinac Bridge.
Cake Eater: A Minnesotan's term for wealthy and snooty residents of Edina, Minn., and generally for rich, white suburban kids.
Pittsburgh Toilet: No, Clevelanders, not Heinz Field where the Steelers play. It's a toilet and sink in the basement of a Pittsburgh home, out in the open and not walled off, where steelworkers would wash the soot off themselves when they got home from work in the mills. Elaborate setups included a nozzle over a drain, a Pittsburgh Shower.
Provel: A processed cheese made by combining cheddar, Swiss and provolone.
Milwaukee Goiter: A beer belly.