Just in case we feared America was getting more intelligent, Chelsea Clinton dropped the bomb Thursday that she’s having a baby. The world momentarily went into a tailspin and got stupid real fast. So here, we examine the aftermath of a woman announcing she’s pregnant, which included some imagining Chelsea in the bedroom.
Politico‘s Alex Burns probably had the most pointless article out there about the impending munchkin. The story had zero news, but fine. It’s the evening after the news. It’s an analysis piece. He called Chelsea’s news a “politico obstetric earthquake.” We only wish he would’ve used words like “stirrups” and “pap smear.” Seriously, an obstetric earthquake? And then he has to throw politico in there, which I would have appreciated had it said POLITICO obstetric earthquake. Since that is really all it was. Burns literally pulled this story out of his ass.
This morning his colleague, Mike Allen, astonishingly, ran an excerpt of the story in Politico Playbook with no news, but highlighting the fact that Chelsea noted that she said “hopefully children” indicating she may want more than one child. Thirteen graphs into this masterpiece we learn the unthinkable: “Now, Clinton will be something else entirely: the most prominent American politician ever to become a grandmother.”
Wow, completely earth shattering.
This graph was also hilarious. Without being crass and inappropriate, the writer was crass and inappropriate. See how that works? “Clinton friends and allies were loath to speculate Thursday on whether her family news might affect her thinking on 2016. That would be crass and inappropriate under the circumstances, even more so than the usual will-she-or-won’t-she punditry doled out regularly by a vast constellation of Democratic operatives and Clinton administration alumni.” He goes on in his non-crass way, writing, “On the one hand, the armchair thinking goes, having a grandchild may make the Iowa State Fair a less appealing place to spend the summer of 2015. Why beg donors for money at dozens of events a month when there’s a happy baby to spend time with in New York?” So Burns’ “armchair” thinking is that Hillary may give up any consideration to be President so she can, what, play grandmother? No doubt there’s plenty of time to coo over a baby and raise money.
But let’s move on. Burns is not the only one who lost his mind trying to “analyze” the situation. Here are the best and worst of the reactions and everything in between.
“Chelsea Clinton pregnant: Not news – A Bill Clinton girlfriend pregnant: News” — Cameron Gray, NRA News. (Best)
“Why are media outlets doing photo retrospectives of Chelsea Clinton’s life? She’s pregnant, not dead.” — Jezebel founder Anna Holmes. (good question)
“#Congrats @ChelseaClinton on the wonderful news – the best job you’ll ever have.” — Yahoo! News‘ Katie Couric. Oh, you mean, her job at NBC as a journalist isn’t the greatest thing in the world? (Blah)
“Fuck Chelsea Clinton and her mom and dad.” — Jennica Patrick (A little late don’t you think?)
“Why do we care if Chelsea Clinton is pregnant? And if we do, was it worthy of a “news alert” from the WaPo? Couldn’t keep till morning?” — Paul Levy, a Boston-based advocate for patient-driven care. (Mr. Insensitive)
“What if Chelsea Clinton’s child becomes a Tea Party conservative????? Political socialization can sometimes backfire.” — Gabriella Hoffman, northeast regional field director, Leadership Institute. (Slightly premature and over the baby’s parents’ and grandparents’ dead bodies)
“I just heard that Chelsea Clinton was pregnant, which made me picture Chelsea Clinton having sex, which just ruined my night. #ThanksObama” — Kieran Tintle, lead singer and bassist for The Downrights. (Enthusiastically stupid. So it’s Obama’s fault Chelsea is having a baby?)
“OK guys, which one of our dead parents is currently being reincarnated in Chelsea Clinton’s womb?” — Laurie Kilmarten, a comedian and writer for Conan O’Brien who is going through the stages of grief since she recently lost her dad. (dark, disturbing and funny).
“Bill Clinton will finally be able to call someone ‘baby’ without being slapped. #ChelseaClinton” — Shoshanna Weisman, writes for Red Alert Politics. (Unnecessarily sexual)
“I don’t understand why liberals are celebrating @ChelseaClinton‘s body being invaded by a parasitic clump of cells. #Caring” — Derek Hunter, radio host and Townhall contributor (also dark, disturbing and funny).
“Am I the only one around here who is grossed out by the fact that Chelsea Clinton has sex?” — “Alaska dude” Hugh Morris (Unnecessarily dirty-minded)
“#babyghazi” — Sahil Kapur, Talking Points Memo. (Sigh)
“Baby Ben Ghazi” — Mother Jones‘ Nick Baumann. (Sigh)
“Name it Billary” — Andres David (Terrible, stupid idea)
“@ChelseaClinton is going to have a baby! No reports yet if it’s a boy or girl, but it did just win a seat in the Illinois General Assembly” — talk show host Ellen DeGeneres. (Unfunny and possibly the Worst)
“Hillary could be first grandmother elected president. (Also first mother, first woman, first former First Lady, etc)” — WaPo Magazine’s Joe Heim. (Obvious, pointless)