When one of our pals loses a job, or breaks up with their partner, we generally know what to say to support them. However when someone's grieving, we often have no idea what to do or say, no matter how positive our intentions are. Sometimes our words and gestures can often fail us leaving us stammering or lost for words. There's no perfect way to respond or support someone you care about who's experienced a loss, but psychotherapist and bereavement expert Samantha Carbon says these are the starting points to consider.
1. Understand the process they're going through
When someone you love dies, the process of surviving them can be complex, along with the process of mourning them. Mourning is painful and essential. Many people want to support a friend who experiences loss, but helping someone through grief is always difficult and so can be responding to people offering their condolences. Sometimes the pain is just too heavy and no earthly shoulders are big enough to help one carry the grief that cuts deep.
2. Understand that grief has no distance
Even though the present will be full of pain, it's important to avoid sweeping statements about the past or the future as these attempts to soothe them with future-based or all-knowing suggestions can take them away from what they are experiencing in the here and now. A loss cannot be repaired or solved but it can be fully acknowledged. Avoid saying anything that attempts to fix the unfixable. It can be a profound relief to have support from someone who does not try to take the pain away.
3. Accept they need to own their grief
It’s important to recognise that grief belongs to the griever, it’s a very personal experience. Being with someone in pain isn't easy. In times of grief we can often take on the supporting role to compassionately be there for them. By following the lead of the one grieving we can be more supportive by just being with them, rather than giving advice on how to be different or how to feel. If you are impacted by their experiences, find someone to lean on at this time as your friend may find it difficult to show up for their part of your friendship.
4. Just be there
As a supporter you can reduce the burden of day-to-day responsibilities such as offering to walk their dog, or getting their bits from the supermarket. Being able to do the small and ordinary chores are tangible evidences of love. If you have the capacity to be present for your friend, make concrete offers by being reliable. Avoid offering to do the laundry or cleaning the house unless they ask. Tackle projects together by offering your assistance and following through because your presence alone is powerful.
5. Love and protect
Avoid saying “call me”. Helping someone through grief is a tricky path to navigate. Don’t be afraid to show up to your friend’s home, even if you don’t have the answers to their questions. Be an active listener and stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in their life. Your friend in this time of sorrow will not have the capacity or energy levels to identify a need, so a gatekeeper is helpful. The position they're in can be intensely personal and private time can begin to feel like living in a fish bowl.
6. Be careful with praise
Everyone likes to be praised, but in times of grief being continually told how strong you are can make it feel like you are unable to break down, when you may want to. When someone appears or feels strong, they'll also have moments of feeling vulnerable. It’s healthy to know they are permitted to show their vulnerabilities and are not having to impress others with a brave outlook.
7. Understand the stages of grief
Psychotherapists talk about the five stages of grief: denial; bargaining; anger; depression and acceptance. It's difficult to predict how long each stage will last, however each is necessary and an essential ingredient to the healing process. As a friend, validate their feelings by letting them talk. Not every silence needs to be filled so it’s okay to listen without an answer. It’s okay to say “I don’t know”. If they feel angry allow them the space to be angry. This is an emotional time and only they can fully experience the challenges that lie ahead.
8. Distract with life
It is okay to still talk about your own life and it can be a welcome relief for those grieving not to talk about themselves. Don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and say, “You’ll never guess what happened?”
There are no rules or timelines to the grieving process, and no amount of pressure from others can make our loved ones move through the process any faster. Only they will know when they re ready to move forward after their loss. Only they can decide what it means to let go or accept the loss they've experienced. Only they can truly decide what it means to move on and move forward, so respect their position.
