I'm not ashamed to admit I own a velour Juicy Couture tracksuit and pink Ugg boots. And I won't deny that I've worn both items together in the past.
I can admit that the words "classy" and "regal" are unlikely to crop up when describing me, and I've often wondered how I might change these conceptions. Eventually I concluded that there was only really one logical way: to become the People's Princess for a week. The Duchess of Birmingham, if you will. I'd prove to everyone exactly what I've got the potential to be by morphing into Kate Middleton for a week.
The plan was foolproof...
Monday
I started my challenge in Richard Ward's salon chair in Chelsea. This is the guy who did Kate's tresses on her wedding day, and often visits the Palace to give her one of those famous bouncy blowouts.
As I sat in his chair, all hairdresser small talk escaped me. I had no holidays booked, and I could think of nothing else but Kate Middleton. I wasn't sure of the royal etiquette when discussing her, and I feared being discovered as a Chelsea hair salon fraud and being expelled to East London forever.
So I avoided the questions I reallywanted to ask: "What does she smell like?," "Has she ever had really greasy hair?," and "Is she even real?" Instead I just kind of stared, smugly mulling over the fact that his hands have touched both my and Kate's hair. I briefly contemplated selling my story to the Daily Mail, but decided this was one small life victory I'd keep to myself (and, well, all of you).
Richard finished my visit with the line: "It's not the best blowout because I haven't had the best hair to work with." Not the biggest compliment I've ever been paid, but I'm happy to take that one on the chin seeing as his usual clients are Royalty, and they probably don't wear hair extensions that are held on by what can only be described as hair sellotape.
Dress (Fold, the actual dress she wore), Shoes (New Look), Ring (Argos), Bag (I'm not gonna lie to you, it was a sunglasses case and I don't know where I got it from.)
Kate wore her dress to visit a women's prison, so I went in search of people also at a low point in their lives and found myself at the Soho public toilets. Those poor loves must be so desperate to pee. Hopefully the sight of me waving helped them feel better.
I think word must have got out about my arrival in the area and a crowd of fans started to appear, so I had to quickly return to the office. I didn't want complete pandemonium to break out.
Tuesday
Blazer (New Look), Stripy tee (Borrowed from housemate), Jeans (New Look), Wedges (Kurt Geiger), Doll (Argos)
It was a very busy day for Kate today — after a quick game of volleyball (without the ball), she picked up Prince George from play school (Argos) and had a bit of fun in the local park. In the afternoon, I became a working mum juggling feature deadlines with bonding time. (The fact my son was plastic, I have to admit, did make it a tad easier.)
Wednesday
Sunglasses (Ray Bans), Waistcoat (Really Wild), Shirt (Ralph Lauren), Jeans (New Look), Boots (Penelope Chilvers)
Usually when I'm hungover, my office attire is jeans, trainers, jumper, no makeup and a messy bun. But I thought to myself WWKD (What Would Kate Do), and she wouldn't let a little thing like a late night affect her pristine appearances. So I went for her hiking outfit. At least the shoes were flat — I really needed that today.
You'll probably have noticed by now that it did feel like the Kate eyebrows were missing from my look, and if I truly wanted to become her, I'd have to step up my brow game. So I booked in an appointment at the Shavata Brow Studio and I felt transformed (excuse the leopard print pajamas, I was having a bit of non-Kate downtime).
Thursday
Another day, another pair of kitten heels to break in, and my feet were really suffering. All I wanted to do was indulge in a pair of flip flops, but I know Kate wouldn't do that, so I hobbled on. In order to create that real authentic pregnancy look, I used Beauty Sleep Elixir on my skin to create a glow (it's apparently used by Kate herself) and stuffed a pillow up my coat. Dedicated.
Friday
Today was a special day. I was set to meet Prince William (a lookalike), but it turns out you can't rely on any man — not even those of the fake royalty variety. So I was forced to take my official engagement photos alone. It's okay though; I'm a single, independent woman who don't need no man, even on the day of my fake engagement. Plus I'm resourceful, and after a quick word with Cosmopolitan's art team, I got the real William courtesy of Photoshop, so take that world.
It's uncanny...
Dress (ASOS), Shoes (New Look)
Despite all the compliments, my Royal week was hard. I even had a minor breakdown on day four because the waistcoat was weighing me down — I won't lie to you, there were tears. So maybe being a princess isn't all it's cracked up to be. Although if Harry fancies ripping up the royal book and marrying a journalist from Birmingham, then I will happily take one for the team and step forward. I just hope they're okay with me bringing fake tan and acrylic nails into Buckingham Palace.
