How To Irrationally Punch A Wall

Sometimes You Just Need To Punch A Wall - But Read This First

There are various reasons to punch a wall. It could be a bad breakup, the loss of a job, or perhaps the Pistons didn't cover the spread. You may even need to punch a wall because you're angry that your hand hurts from just punching a wall. There doesn't have to be a good rationale. What you do know is that a wall has to be punched. I've punched walls because of a death in the family, and I've punched walls due to unreturned phone calls. Both are valid.

They say that punching a wall in anger is "irrational" and "immature" (you should be making air quotes as you read this out), but what's the alternative? Therapy? Meditation? Throwing a dish on the floor like Sissy Spacek in the movie In The Bedroom? Nonsense. You punch walls so you don't punch people. Walls are meant to absorb our emotions, which is why we have the phrase "If these walls could talk." They don't, though, because you'd punch them.

The issue is that when you're about to punch a wall in the heat of anger, there isn't time to take out a stud finder and check where not to punch. You may live in a building with cheap, breakable walls, or you may live in a building with a concrete foundation, which is great for blocking out sound, but horrible for wall punching. That wide array of potential pain is half the thrill of punching a wall. Unless you live in a glass house. Then you know what you're getting (horrible, bloody pain) — best to throw a stone instead.

Should a modicum of sanity rise within your rage, try punching a door instead of a wall. Not the dense front door, but the cheaper doors between rooms. These will often give with a very satisfying crunch, and you'll be able to keep punching them like a crazy person, eventually punching through the door to the other side.

One time I was so angry that I punched a door while holding it in place with my other hand (I feel like I’m losing people), and when I punched through, I shook my own hand through the door hole, then laughed and made a sandwich. When friends later asked why there was a gash in my door, I just told them it was a peephole.

They never show the Hulk cleaning up after all the damage he caused, because that would be boring. But unfortunately you're not the Hulk (sorry), and this is your home. Let's say you punch the wall so hard that you make a big, fist-shaped hole. What do you do then? Obviously, you stand there admiring the hole and feeling tough. "Glad that wasn't someone's face," you say to a non-existent audience. "I hope no one ever tests me."

While it's tempting to leave the hole there and put a Post-It note next to it with the reason for the damage ("Becky"), it's best to fix it. You can't have fist-shaped holes in the wall for a date or your landlord to see. They tend not to like that kind of thing. After you're done feeling cool, try covering up the hole with a poster (a framed poster if you're over 25), perhaps a George Bellows boxing print. That would be ironic or something.

For a more thorough repair, head to the hardware store and grab yourself some spackle and a spackle knife (don't worry, you'll end up using it more than once, you maniac). Fill the hole with spackle and smooth it out like you can't do with your problems. If you find yourself getting angry again and need to punch the wall, I recommend punching the spackle before it dries, as it's wonderfully cold, soft, and welcoming.

There's nothing quite like punching a wall to make you feel better. Yes, you could hit a lamp with a baseball bat, or buy a punching bag and gut it with a knife, or tackle your refrigerator. You could hire a karate master to always be holding a fresh piece of wood in your home. But punching a wall has the greatest return on investment. The pain is cleansing and the repairs are effortless. When you finally see the imprint of your fist in the wall, it just lets a fella know that he's been somewhere.

I've punched many a wall in my time — and though I've rarely received a deposit back on an apartment because of it, and though my hands will likely be arthritic at an early age — I wouldn't take back those punches for all the refreshing spackle in the world.

OK maybe some of them.