INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.
Reports indicated that over the past several decades, the Almighty has provided hundreds of players from high-profile Division I football and basketball programs with abundant natural speed, strength, and agility, and both the universities and the players themselves are now said to be facing heavy sanctions and punishments.
“We take these allegations incredibly seriously and are doing everything in our power to determine the precise nature of God’s relationship with these college athletes,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert. “There is mounting evidence that the Lord—in blatant violation of NCAA rules and regulations—bestowed upon these players special and innate athletic abilities that other students never received.”
“Many of these young men were taking advantage of raw athletic skills as far back as high school and even middle school. God was clearly manipulating these kids from a very young age.”
“This type of behavior is completely unacceptable and threatens the very integrity of college sports,” Emmert continued. “And the NCAA will hold God fully accountable.”
According to sources close to the investigation, numerous players openly and brazenly flaunted their improperly gained athletic prowesses, while further evidence revealed that many coaches and university personnel were aware that these talents were God-given, but failed to alert the NCAA.
Reports confirmed that LSU, Tennessee, Notre Dame, UCLA, North Carolina, Oregon, USC, Louisville, Maryland, Rutgers, Alabama, Iowa, UConn, Boise State, San Diego State, Wisconsin, Illinois, Butler, Arkansas, Clemson, TCU, Washington State, Ole Miss, Baylor, UNLV, Vanderbilt, Syracuse, BC, Purdue, Ball State, Missouri, Wake Forest, Memphis, BYU, Pittsburgh, Duke, West Virginia, Virginia, Villanova, Kansas, Miami, Auburn, Ohio State, Penn State, Georgia, Georgia Tech, Florida, Florida State, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Arizona, Arizona State, Michigan, Michigan State, Texas, Texas Tech, and Texas A&M are among the over 300 schools implicated in the scandal.
“These rules are in place not only to maintain the competitive balance of the NCAA, but also to protect the players themselves from being exploited,” Emmert said. “Many of these young men were taking advantage of raw athletic skills as far back as high school and even middle school. God was clearly manipulating these kids from a very young age.”
“Some student-athletes have claimed that they didn’t know they were doing anything wrong by using the abilities they were born with,” Emmert added. “But ignorance is not an excuse for violating NCAA regulations.”
While the NCAA’s investigation is reportedly still in its early stages, potential punishments could be incredibly severe, including probation, the loss of scholarships, the forfeiture of wins, and, if necessary, vacating the championships of any school found to be guilty of benefiting from gifts handed down by the Lord Almighty. Sources close to the situation also told reporters that former Auburn quarterback and current Carolina Panthers star Cam Newton may be stripped of his 2010 Heisman Trophy due to a suspected connection between God and Newton’s uncanny combination of size and quickness.
“We are all obviously appalled by the accusations and plan to fully cooperate with the NCAA during their investigation,” said University of Oklahoma athletic director Joe Castiglione, who denied any knowledge of Sooners players receiving illegitimate gifts, but assured reporters that going forward, the school will strictly forbid any communication between student-athletes and God during church services or private moments of prayer. “The incredible hand-eye coordination, balance, and explosive speed—in hindsight, there’s no way most of these guys could have gotten any of that from their parents. That should have been a big red flag that something was wrong.”
“Maybe I was being naïve, but I just thought He was their Heavenly Father and Supreme Ruler,” Castiglione added. “I never thought He was breaking NCAA rules.”
At press time, NCAA officials had announced an eternal ban on God that will prevent Him from having any association with collegiate sports until the end of time.