While people do a lot of gross things all the freaking time, pregnancy is when many women just really stop giving two fucks about what people think. Which means the range of gross things you're willing to do expands. So keep on with your disgusting self, my friend. You're not the only one doing these nasty things. (I, of course, use the words "disgusting," "nasty," and "gross," in the most endearing, girl-power way possible.)
1. You refuse to shave.
I'm not talking about a "the hair isn't that bad so I'm going to skip a day" type of situation. I mean those moments when you're in the shower, feeling exhausted AF, and you start contemplating whether you should shave. And then, when you try to remember the last time you did bust out the razor, you realize it was about two months into the pregnancy. It's NBD — I'm just sayin' don't be surprised if your man acts excited when your legs are smooth again.
2. You go to a drive-thru and order a #6, #9, and #12 — for yourself.
The baby had a craving and you gave into it. Whatevs.
3. You drop a carton of ice cream on the floor — and leave it for someone else to pick up.
That ice cream is a precious commodity. But when it winds up on the floor and you have to bend over to pick it up…that's a lot of work that you're just not here for. So you shrug and walk away, letting it melt all over until someone else comes to clean it up.
4. You pee your pants multiple times.
There's another human being weighing down on your bladder. Not only does that make your muscles work overtime, meaning it's more difficult to control leakage, but it also means you're just not going to make it to the bathroom every time. Especially when the baby kung-fu's their way into a new position unexpectedly. It's fine — you'll make it there next time.
5. You create a makeshift maxi pad with toilet paper.
Because next time you can't make it to the bathroom on time, you'll at least have a layer between you and your panties. That baby can't outsmart you every time!
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6. You pee in the shower.
There are two types of people in this world: those who pee in the shower, and those who lie.
7. You squeeze your nipples to see if breast milk comes out.
You're just testing the equipment. It's cool.
8. You scream on the toilet because you feel so constipated that you worry you'll push out the baby…
Progesterone can stop everything up, and sometimes, you swear it feels like one more push is going to deliver a baby and not a deuce.
9. …And when you finally go, it's a literal shit show.
Yet you don't give two fucks, because that hellish ordeal is finally over.
10. You experience weird discharge.
You don't know how to explain it, but it's gross and sticky and smells a little bit. Doc says it's fine, but ew.
11. You crop dust the dude who won't give up a subway seat.
You've got gas, and you're not afraid to pass it. Especially if you have to use public transportation while eight months pregnant, and the douchebag on the train won't stand up so your swollen cankles can have a fucking break.
12. You peel off the dead skin from your lips.
You're exfoliating. Duh.
13. You wear the same maternity bra over and over.
It's the only thing that fits right now, and you sure as hell aren't doing laundry every damn day. That comes later, when the newborn is spewing vomit all over everything on a consistent two-hour schedule.
14. You bust out the camera app.
I'm not talking about the constant posing for weekly growth updates that your Facebook friends will become secretly annoyed with. No, you're using that camera for slightly more awkward things — like taking photos of your butthole to see what the hemorrhoids are doing to it.
15. You use your belly as a catch-all for crumbs.
If your boobs don't catch 'em, the belly definitely will. It also acts as a lovely tabletop for those late-night snacks in bed.
16. You force your partner to pop your bacne.
Remember the days you used to have glorious, acne-free skin? Yeah… Pregnancy, for a lot of women, is like sending your skin through puberty again. And while you may not be able to reach the pimple in the middle of your back, you know it's there so it must be popped. Enter husband. (Tip: Sing "Sexy and I Know It" while he gets to work.)
17. You wipe away under-boob sweat in public.
Your boobs are twice the size they normally are, and it gets hot in there. You don't want sweat stains showing up on your clothes, so you do what you gotta do.
18. You wake up with your pillowcase covered in drool.
Those who suffer from morning sickness tend to salivate excessively. So when you wake up and realize your cheek isn't soaked because of the dog slobbering all over you, remember to thank the surge of pregnancy hormones.
19. You sweat through your sheets.
Really, your bed is just not a clean place to be anymore, so maybe up the number of times you wash the sheets each month from two to, like, 10. And if a sweat stain starts to appear on your mattress? Flip that sucker over.
20. You obsessively watch birthing videos.
This isn't that gross, until you think about what you're doing. Which is staring at a stranger's vagina and watching gross things pour out of it.
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