Even the horniest of us go through periods of feeling CBA when it comes to sex. It can leave you feeling disappointed, disillusioned and frankly, a bit crap about yourself. If you have a low libido, for whatever reason and you're wondering what on earth is wrong with you, the answer is: absolutely nothing. It's totally normal for your sex drive to come and go, and you're defs not alone in feeling that way.

According to the 2013 NATSAL 3 study, a large-scale population based survey into sexual attitudes and lifestyles in the UK, 51% of women reported experiencing a sexual difficulty. And the majority of them cited ‘lack of interest in sex’ as their difficulty.

Libido and sexual desire drops or plateaus for a number of reasons and this can be due to anything from the atmosphere in the room to your hormones. It can be tricky to identify the reasons and often, we end up internalising our disinterest in sex and viewing it as a failing on our part. The important thing to remember is that it's normal and it's something everyone goes through.

The real issue is, that in not communicating with your partner about how you're feeling, you're ignoring a pleasure gap in your relationship and that can cause myriad issues.

Dr Karen Gurney, clinical psychologist and psychosexologist at The Havelock Clinic says, “We see low desire as being less about a problem with low desire, and more about a problem of how we understand how desire works. Research tells us that the majority of women in long term relationships rarely experience spontaneous sexual desire. So how can we name something that is ‘normal’, or often reported by a large group of women, as a problem?”

What is libido?

"Your sex drive, also known as libido is the desire someone has to interact in sexual activity. Your sexual desire is the force that can either lead us toward or away from sexual behaviour." says Jessica Sepel of JS Health. "For some individuals, sex drive can be hormone and genetics related but the world we live in is enormously stressful and stress has a huge impact on people's sexual relationships and desire to have sex."

An increase in tension and stress leads to high levels of cortisol, which have been shown to have negative effects on sexual desire and genital arousal, explains Sepel. Stress can also alter emotional and cognitive states, stopping the individual from focusing on sexual stimuli during sexual activity.

There are a variety of ways to address these issues but it takes a lot of self study and a willingness to understand how desire interacts with a variety of facets that affect your life. We asked Dr Gurney, author of Mind The Gap, and Dr Ali Mears of The Havelock Clinic, for tips on what to do if you're experiencing a lack of interest in sex, how to identify low libido and what to do if you're looking for solutions.

Headline Home Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life

Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life

Headline Home Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life

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Check there’s no underlying problem

“Often a change in desire for women is not a sign of an underlying condition,” Dr Ali Mears, consultant physician at The Havelock Clinic says, “but there are a number of important causes we wouldn't want to miss, such as an under-active thyroid, depression and anxiety."

Some medications can also negatively affect sexual desire. "These include antidepressants, anti epileptic drugs, opiates and the contraceptive pill (although some people report increased desire on the Pill as they lose their worries about an unwanted pregnancy). No one feels like having sex when they are laid up in bed with flu and for the same reasons, any chronic medical condition can lead to a reduction in sexual desire.

And even if the medical problem has fully resolved, sometimes sex can be difficult to get back on the agenda for a number of reasons including the fact that other things take your attention/ energy and you may need help getting things back on track."

Understand your relationship with your sexuality

Reflecting on your own relationship with sex is an important component of making changes in your sex life. How did you learn about sex? What did you observe in your family growing up about how sex was talked (or not talked) about? What about attitudes to masturbation or nakedness? How do you relate to sex as an adult? As a way to feel free, to express yourself or to feel wanted? Or as something to feel ashamed about?

"Sometimes this is where we need to focus to work on our desire, as negative attitudes towards sex or sexual pleasure can prevent us from noticing or acting on sexual urges." says Dr Gurney.

If you feel disconnected, check in with yourself. Do you feel turned off by the way you relate to sex at the moment? Do you feel a sense of shame? Do you feel confident and do you like yourself? The way we think about ourselves as sexual beings, worthy of pleasure can have a lot to do with how high or low our libidos can be at different times.

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Work out what function sex serves in your relationship(s)

"Having sex (not just penetration, of course) can sometimes be about experiencing sexual pleasure. But often it can serve many more functions for us and our relationships. Couples who spend some time considering the function that sex serves for them (to feel close, cement the relationship, for fun or to dissolve conflict) can help us work around a problem when sex happens less often, and find other ways to meet this need in the short-term, or as well as using sexual intimacy." says Dr Gurney.

"This can be useful to lessen the impact of life stressors such as having a baby or a period of physical ill health, but also to free us up to have more novel, interesting types of sex - after all, if the function is something other than getting pregnant, we don't have to be constrained by traditional ideas of penis-in-vagina penetration as how our sex lives should look or what we think counts as sex. So, get creative."

Start and see if you feel like it

"Many of us subscribe to an idea that sexual desire comes first, before we engage in any type of sexual activity. This means we might wait until we feel like it before we respond to a partner’s sexual initiation. While this fits for some people, we know that there are other scientific models which explain that desire comes much later on, once sexual activity has started.

Many women in long term relationships say this fits with their experience much better. These models explain that desire in women is more responsive than spontaneous, and this provides us with an opportunity to rethink our expectations, and to perhaps try to create more situations to trigger desire to help us connect sexually."

It's very common for women in relationships to experience arousal non-concordance AKA a mismatched libido with a partner. This also means that if your partner is always up for it and ready to go, you'll need to communicate to them what you need to get to where they are mentally. It's also worth mentioning that regardless of whether you feel wet or you wake up with morning bean, it's hard to push yourself to feel sexual if your mind isn't where your body is. Never push yourself and always have the conversation about how you're feeling and what feels okay before and during sex.

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Maximise pleasure

"A key aspect of reconnecting with desire, or keeping desire where you want it to be is understanding all the different factors which reinforce it. For example, how does pleasure feature in your sex life? Pleasure is (one of) the important reinforcers of desire (i.e. it makes us want to do it more often). If we’re not regularly experiencing sex as pleasurable (even worse if it is painful) this could well impact on desire over time.

"Pleasure is not all about orgasms, it can also be about emotional connection, self-expression or excitement. Have a think about how this is going for you? Is there more that could add to your enjoyment? Talk to your partner(s) about what you’d like to
be doing more of."

Keep sex and desire on the agenda

"All couples are vulnerable to sex losing its place in the priority list to other life concerns or tasks from time to time and this is normal. The key to maintaining good sex and keeping desire on the agenda long term is treating sex as you would any other aspect of your life and making time to nurture it. You wouldn’t expect to be fit without making time to go to the gym, and sex can be similar - for most couples it requires regular talking about, planning for and making an effort to prioritise it from time to time.

"We recommend keeping your sex life on the agenda with regular chats or catch ups about how you feel it’s going, and taking the time to reflect on your own, or with a partner about where you’d like it to go in the future." No one enjoys being sexually frustrated or feeling like they aren't good enough so having these moments of communication and checking in on what you need is vital for a healthy romantic and sexual connection with your partner.

There are also little lifestyle changes you can make that can help to boost your sex drive. "Research shows that increased physical activity is linked with enhanced sexual desire and activity. Bouts of exercise can drastically improve sexual function. So choose to move in a way that you love and enjoy a mix of high intensity, with more restorative forms of exercises and rest days" explains Jessica Sepel.

You can also think about cutting down on things that can affect your blood pressure and the pleasure receptors in your brain. "Alcohol depresses the central nervous system and can lead to sexual dysfunction such as erectile dysfunction in men and decreased vaginal lubrication for women so enjoy in moderation, and aim to have a glass of water for each alcoholic beverage." says Jessica.

You can also try incorporating foods and nutrients that are good for sexual stamina and are high in things like antioxidants and amino acids. When your body is in balance, this can help with promoting natural feelings of alertness and well, horniness. Ginger, tribulus terrestris, maca, cacao and and pistachio nuts have all been proven to support healthy sexual function and response. Just remember, nothing is a magic bullet and reconnecting with your sexual identity can take time. So always be kind to yourself and if you feel like things aren't changing, consult a doctor or sexual health specialist.

Dr Karen Gurney and The Havelock team run online workshops for couples and individuals covering all aspects of sex therapy including concerns about low desire. For more information visit the online treatments page of their website.