Ed Miliband's slow walk to cool

According to the Independent, Rupert Murdoch is furious. The Sun isn’t doing enough to keep Ed Miliband from power, it says. You can see his point. So far, the paper’s worst attack has involved turning the Labour leader into a character from The Simpsons. It backfired because The Simpsons is a beloved institution that celebrities take huge pride in appearing on, and also Murdoch basically owns the show anyway.

This, in a nutshell, is the trajectory of Miliband’s election. No matter how hard his enemies strain and thrash in their efforts to topple him, he’ll always come out of it looking good. Personal attacks are useless. Miliband is untouchable. He might have started this election campaign as a man, but he’s ending it as a meme. Ed Miliband is dead. Long live CoolEdMiliband.

Over the last three days, the Twitter account @Cooledmiliband has posted a series of photos where Miliband’s face has been pasted on to icons of masculinity. He’s been Luke Skywalker.

He’s been Don Draper.

He’s been Hulk Hogan and James Bond and Indiana Jones.

These images have spread across the internet like wildfire; partly because this election is legitimately the dullest thing in all of history, but mainly because there’s a tiny element of truth to them.

Ever since he tentatively quivered “Hell yes” to Jeremy Paxman, Miliband’s slow march to cool has been unstoppable. Coolness just keeps falling in his lap. The Mail’s attack on his love life inadvertently became a ringing endorsement for his animal virility. When he accidentally strayed too close to a hen party this weekend, they flocked towards him with an enthusiasm usually only reserved for inflatable willies and dismal karaoke choices.

And now Miliband has accepted these accusations of coolness and let them enter his bloodstream. His mood during the challengers’ debate last week was one of detached amusement, at one point shutting down Nigel Farage’s argument with a single word and a wink to the audience. During his televised interview with Evan Davis last night, he even managed to say “That ain’t gonna happen” out loud, like Clint Eastwood or that photograph of the disappointed cat would. What’s he rebelling against? Whaddaya got.

This represents Miliband liftoff. He’s captured the public imagination, and that’s how you win elections. It’s like when tragic alcoholic David Hasselhoff rebranded himself as ironic superstar The Hoff and instantly became a bulletproof cultural touchstone. Anything Miliband does from this point onwards is destined to be stripped down and repackaged on the internet for LOLs. Put him in the same room as a bacon sandwich right now and there’ll be a GIF of him destroying it with eye-lasers by teatime. He’s Keyboard Cat. He’s David After Dentist. He’s Ryan Gosling in his imperial “Hey girl” phase. It’s Cleggmania all over again. And that worked out fine, didn’t it?

However, let’s not overcook this. CoolEdMiliband is working in Labour’s favour now, but it can be easily ruined. If any of his advisers are reading this, whatever you do, don’t let Ed go too far. Don’t let him grow a beard. Don’t let him pierce his ears. Don’t, whatever you do, allow him to conduct interviews in underlit alleyways while he wears a fedora and nonchalantly flips a coin. At a push, if he really insists, let him recite the midsection rap to All Rise by Blue in its entirety to some graffiti artists, but only because that’s the coolest thing in the world. Other than that, for God’s sake, restrain yourselves.