I think I must have a kind face. People always talk to me. I’m the guy who always gets asked for directions, even in cities where I’m a tourist. When people need help reaching something at the grocery store, they ask me. Something about my expression must say: “I mean you no harm.”
I’m all right with that. When I was younger, I always wanted to be one of those devastatingly good-looking people who stopped strangers in their tracks. I worked at a coffee shop with a guy named Alan who was so beautiful that once when he was wiping down the tables out front, a driver rear-ended another car because she was so distracted by the sight of him.
Nobody ever rear-ended a car over me, but honestly, given the choice I think I would take what I have. Having an “approachable” face has meant that my life has been full of interesting conversations with strangers.
Author Kio Stark’s new book When Strangers Meet: How People You Don’t Know Can Transform You is about her seven-year personal study of her interactions with strangers in New York City. She believes that reaching across the gulf of silence that normally stands between ourselves and the people we encounter on a daily basis is not just essential, but transformative.
In a Ted talk about the book, Stark said: “When you talk to strangers, you’re making beautiful interruptions into the expected narrative of your daily life – and theirs.”
Obviously, respecting people’s boundaries is important, but so often when I find myself in elevators and waiting rooms, in line at the drugstore or the deli counter, I will smile at someone and if I receive an answering flickering of friendliness in their eyes, I will strike up a conversation.
Sometimes I’ve thought of something funny, sometimes I just remark that it’s a beautiful night or day. Sometimes I speak up when I admire someone’s style. Parenthetically, I’ve noticed as a gay man that there is a particular way of saying: “I love your shoes/lipstick/earrings” to women that lets them know I’m not a straight man who’s trying to sell myself to them like a bad car salesman.
Like Stark, I’ve heard some amazing stories, some sad stories and some stories that opened my eyes to worlds I’d never thought existed. Some of the best stories I’ve heard have been from people in New York City.
In spite of New York’s reputation for rudeness, I have found that being openly friendly and falling back on my southern manners, saying “Yes, ma’am” and “No, sir” in New York makes people just melt.
“Oh, you’re from Georgia?” they say, as if they’re surprised there’s no actual damp cow manure on my boots or hayseeds in my hair. “Well let me tell you about my favorite diner/movie house/karaoke bar etc.”
The best meals I’ve had in London, Chicago, Philadelphia and yes, New York, have been places I’ve tried after striking up a conversation with a cashier or a cab driver or someone in a coffee shop. My experience has always been that New York is a city that’s itching to tell me its secrets.
Our consumerist, stratified society dictates to us that we live inside our own lines, associating primarily with people like ourselves. We go about our business, buy groceries and order food alongside each other, but we never connect.
In the presidential debate on Monday night, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton said “implicit bias is a problem for everyone”. Our culture inculcates its ideas and prejudices and dogmas into us virtually from the moment we open our eyes.
Part of undoing the fear that separates us, dispelling the hostility and suspicion, is pushing past the lines of race and gender and orientation and political affiliation that divide us and connecting as human beings full of love and desires and fears and aspirations. In this way, communicating with people outside our prescribed societal sphere feels to me like a deliciously seditious act.
When we connect, when we really learn about each other and find out what we have in common, we are fighting the power. When we see each other as individuals and not as representing The Other, we’re already fighting to stop the next war.
So if you see me out there somewhere, say hello. Let’s talk. And if you need me to reach something for you on a high shelf, I’ll be happy to.