Waitrose’s latest offer: £40,000 added to your house price

Name: The Waitrose effect.

Age: First spoken about at the start of the decade.

Appearance: Literal middle-class heaven.

The Waitrose effect? Is this where people start describing things such as ratatouille provençale as “essential”? No, but thanks for getting the Essential Waitrose joke out of the way nice and early.

I think I’ve heard about the Waitrose effect before. Be careful, because there are actually two Waitrose effects. This isn’t the one where a Waitrose moves into town and all the independent stores close.

Phew. This is much better. This Waitrose effect is where a Waitrose moves into town and your house rockets in value.

Is that really a thing? It is. Lloyds bank has claimed that properties located near a branch of Waitrose cost an average of £425,428, while houses further away cost an average of £386,763. That’s a £40,000 difference.

Wow. Spend all that money at Waitrose and you’d be able to buy, what, three loaves of bread? Yes, yes, Waitrose is expensive, we get it.

Hang on a minute, I thought more people were shopping at Aldi and Lidl these days? Oh, yes, we’ve started to do most of our shopping at discount supermarkets. But the trick is not to live near them. Lloyds claims that living near an Aldi will push your house price up by just £1,333.

That’s a bargain. But it means you’ll be forced to live among a bunch of Aldi shoppers. Ugh, imagine.

But you shop at Aldi! Shh, don’t tell anyone. I take Waitrose bags and fill them with tinned potatoes and frozen mince. My neighbours must never know my shame. Never!

God, being middle class sounds exhausting. You have no idea.

I don’t live near a Waitrose. Is there any way I can boost the price of my house? You could always try to mimic the Waitrose effect by slathering your house in taramasalata. That might work.

Is that regular Waitrose taramasalata or Essential Waitrose taramasalata? Fine. You get two Essential Waitrose jokes. But that’s it.

Do say: “Sell your house if you live near a Waitrose.”

Don’t say: “Not because it’s worth more money, but because your neighbours are unbearable.”