Jenny Nordbak, spent two years leading a double life working as a construction manager during the day, and a dominatrix in a dungeon at night. Now 29, she's left her professional dominatrix life behind and has written a book about her experiences. The Scarlet Letters: My Secret Year of Men in an L.A. Dungeon is out now and we can confirm it's a bloody good read.
Cosmopolitan.com/UK met the married mum-of-one, who shared everything she learned about men and sex during her time as dominatrix Mistress Scarlet.
1. Seeing a sex worker doesn't necessarily mean they're unhappy in their relationship. While I don't think it's healthy to deceive your partner, I don't think [men in relationships paying to see a dominatrix] means they're in a bad relationship. Many are scared to have that tough conversation with their partner.
2. It's not always about ejaculation. For maybe half of men, ejaculation is the goal. But a surprising amount of them don't come. With some there isn't even nudity. I'm assuming they're banking that for later.
3. So much of what turns them on is in the mind. People tend to think of what dominants do as torturing someone, but so much of it is fantasy.
4. They can have fetishes about ANYTHING. One client wanted to do dentistry on people's feet. He came in a full dentist's costume with instruments and a treatment plan. "Your big toe has two cavities, and your little toe needs a root canal," he'd say.
5. Men really aren't that bothered about what women look like. A lot of women think men are looking for the supermodel stereotype, but really most of them fixate on the details. For many, it's all about the colour of a woman's toenail polish, or that their hair's in a ponytail, or that there's a bow on their dress.
6. Food can turn them on... a lot. There's a whole sub-group of fetishes that revolve around food, and cake-sitting is one of them. Clients would bring a cake and want me to flop down and sit on it. The there's smashing cream pies on their face, or having a food fight.
7. As can giant women. Lots of men want to pretend you're a giant woman who's crushing them. They like the powerlessness.
8. Housework can be *really* arousing for them. Some men are thrilled by service, and get off on pleasing someone else and feeling like they're useful.
9. Even celebrities want to be dominated. Celebrities seem to want that release and having someone tell them 'no'. Very powerful men who are used to calling the shots like being submissive because it's so different to their daily lives.
10. A lot of men hide their fetishes. My clients were a mix of single, married, in relationships and widowers. Some had spoken to their wives about it and were given their blessing to explore, but many were clearly going behind their wives' backs.
11. Some physically *need* a release. It's almost like a drug addiction where they get absolutely hooked on it and they have to have their fix.
12. The majority of them are OBSESSED with feet. Feet are the most common fetish I saw. They want to give you a foot massage and worship your feet. Or smash food with your toes, or polish your muddy boots with their tongue.
13. Many want to experiment with their partner. Some guys came to me with their partners, wanting to experiment together. It was so positive to see they were willing to build that into their relationship by being really open together.
14. They LOVE some really disgusting stuff. Like [licking] a toilet, or the bottom of your shoe, or the handle of a broom.
15. Role play can be like therapy for them. There were clients who I saw multiple times a week, for months on end - it was like going to your therapist once a week. For a lot of them its a way of working through intense issues.
16. Their turn ons can be broken down into female archetypes. The nurturing motherly figure, the disciplinarian headmistress strong female, the amazon warrior who's more punishing or cruel.
17. Everyone falls onto the dominant/submissive spectrum. We all have some piece of sex that we prefer – lying back and letting it happen or pleasing another person. Everyone has a preference that falls on that power exchange spectrum.
18. What turns them on is totally normal. Men aren't broken, or deviants, or perverts just because they have a foot fetish or like being tied up. It’s totally normal, healthy and they should be able to explore that.
19. Their fetishes are often formed in childhood. A lot of the time you can point to either trauma, or something really emotionally significant that happened. Not always though.
