Poldark recap: series three, episode three – go get 'em, Ross

“T’in’t right, t’in’t fair, t’in’t proper.” Well it isn’t. But without it, we would not have seen Ross single-handedly take on the entire French army. Go Ross! And we would not have received news of Dr Enys and his gigantic beard. Much weeping here at the face of the relieved Sindy doll. Far be it from me, though, to mention that it was all a colossal waste of time, this adventure. Yes, we know Dwight is alive, but he is unlikely to be so for long. What was the point of Ross risking his life, unless to save Dwight?

I have to admit I don’t know much about infiltrating the French Revolution, but Ross and Hook-Handed Scarface seemed as unworried about blending in as Donald Trump at a feminist conference. It was all a bit like Brexit: no one quite knew the point of it or had any idea what was going on, and it came at a higher financial cost than anticipated but it happened anyway. I’m still not sure how Ross escaped.

Speaking of the US president, Aunt Agatha’s flatulence finally had a long-awaited starring role. “Windy, was it, on the beach?... You have to be smart to out-trump me.” Agatha continues to stoke the fires of Geoffrey Charles’ sedition: “Now we can have some fun.” I do wish the two of them would smother Evil George in his sleep.

Gender themes were strongly flagged up this episode as Demelza gazed across the ocean in her russet dress. It was left to the women to sit and wait. “Dr Enys be alive. Old Prudie feel it in her bones.” But it was a wait too far for Demelza. She has realised that, as a wife who can chop wood and skin rabbits, she is the man of the house. Caroline planted the idea: “How frustrating is a woman’s lot? We are left idling at home while the men go off and fight battles.” And Demelza took it up: “Other women may bow and scrape and ask permission as I once did – but no longer.”

View image in fullscreen

Meanwhile, Elizabeth’s empowerment consisted of slipping into laudanum addiction. (Perfectly understandable in the circumstances.) “If we remove to our townhouse in Truro …” “But Geoffrey Charles … I shall miss him, of course.” Yeah, right. Geoffrey who? Elizabeth has gone full-on wicked. Evil George learned what it is to be blackmailed, and Elizabeth had to choose whether she really had gone over to the dark side. Helpful tinctures are all very well, but you might need something a bit stronger, such as hemlock, to put up with George long-term.

View image in fullscreen

Morwenna continued to cavort across the beach with Drake and receive his shell-festooned homemade jewellery. The bracelet was like something from a reception class’s “By the Seashore” project, but she didn’t seem to mind. Love’s young dream! If this is going to move forward, though, Geoffrey Charles will have to get out of the way. “Pardon my asking. You can read?” Maybe Geoffrey Charles is somehow related to Evil George after all. Bless, Sam, though. He actually can’t read. Can he learn before some toad-faced aristo proposes to Morwenna?

Other favourite bits? The French speaking was extremely entertaining. I liked the easily bribed Frenchman and the fact that Ross seemed to have an endless supply of coins. Evil George’s sudden constable-appointing moment was also hilarious: “You, bear-like aggressor. You’re standing near me. You can be a constable.” And I love how completely gormless Sam Carne is, with his moon-faced spiritual expression, always going around being a fiend for God. “What be the cause of this ill will between houses?” Oh, Sam, don’t ask. It’s a very long story. No one can remember any of it.

Pewter tankard award for bonkers brilliance as supporting actor

View image in fullscreen

Evil George took centre stage this week in Ross’s absence, embracing the power of his magistrate’s appointment as if he were ruling over an empire and not just ruling on a few altercations in the vicinity of Truro. “A pheasant is no small matter!” A public flogging for a pheasant? We would expect no less from Evil George, who seems to be reinventing himself as Judge Rinder, intent on combining justice and primetime entertainment. When it came to the intercut scenes of Evil George taking power as the French saluted the beheading, the guillotine dripping with blood, I wasn’t sure if we were supposed to think that all power is evil or that George is as bad as the French Revolution. Which was confusing, because didn’t the French Revolution rid the populace of cake-eaters like Evil George? It’s always a mistake to take anything in Poldark too literally.

Classic Poldark lines

“Have ye always been a fiend for God?” Like most of us, Prudie suddenly finds herself very interested in religion indeed.

“Judas, must it always be such a battle?” Ah, Demelza, if you haven’t worked it out by now …

“Brother Ross won’t like it.” “No more than I don’t like certain antics of his.” Demelza stores up trouble for herself.

“You carry the world on your shoulders and ne’er stoop ‘neath the weight.” Drake’s assessment of Demelza is accurate.

Regulation reverse sexism bare chest moment

If last week we had too much chest, this week we hardly had any. Instead it was all beards and blood and gangrene. This, fellow ’Darkers, is why we must appreciate the chest glimpses while we can.

Next week …

The worst winter in 30 years, a disgusting man pays court to Morwenna – and George and Ross clash (for the 19,584th time).