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Monkeys Being Dicks

Monkeys Being Dicks: An Homage To 'Dawn of the Planet of the Apes'

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With the release of the highly-anticipated Dawn of the Planet of the Apes today, we were reminded of something: monkeys can be total dicks sometimes. Screaming, stealing things, pooping everywhere — you name it, they'll do it. We're pretty glad they don't actually rule the planet. That would be awful.

Monkeys' dick-ish behavior is somehow made even more dick-ish by its resemblance to certain dick-ish human behaviors. Monkeys are like the drunkest, loudest, most obnoxious person at the office Christmas party, but all the time. Monkeys live the office Christmas party every day of their lives. It's for this reason that their shenanigans are simultaneously fascinating and painful to watch — they remind us of ourselves at our absolute worst.

That being said, if you take yourself out of the equation, watching the little scamps act a fool can be pretty hilarious. Maybe we're even a little jealous that they can get away with it all...

Here are some of our favorite "Monkeys Being Total Dicks" moments:



"Getting the monkey off your back" is particularly hard when it's a literal monkey on your literal back. And you're a baby pig about a foot off the ground. That baby monkey is on the joy ride of his life and all that pig wants is for this living nightmare to end. I can't help but think that this duo should be incorporated into an upcoming Nintendo video game in some way. Maybe they could be two new Smash Bros. characters and if you get the monkey close enough to the pig and press a certain button he hops on its back and they power up into the super-character "Baby Monkey Pig."



This video about monkeys routinely stealing alcoholic drinks at an all-inclusive resort is one of those instances where you can see the similarity to human behavior all too clearly. If you've ever been that too-drunk-person at the bar taking sips of people's leftover drinks, you know what I'm talking about. The interesting part is that even in the monkey world, there are those magical people who somehow abstain from alcohol entirely, and make you feel even stupider when you roll off a bench into a pile of rum-soaked sand.



Okay, this monkey is the WORST. But again, doing something that you can imagine a human doing — especially a little human: "What happens if I piss this dog off? Oh, no? He doesn't like it? Let's see what happens if I try it again..." And that crazy impulsive swing around the pole? That monkey is looking for a fight.



Only the truly dick-ish steal someone's hubcaps. Monkeys steal people's hubcaps. Monkey, what are you going to even do with that hubcap? Poop all over it? That's what we thought.



And of course, no list about monkey shenanigans would be complete without the Ikea monkey. What's more dick-ish than roaming around Ikea in a fur coat, amiright? That high-society fur coat isn't fooling anyone, monkey, you're in an Ikea. Pus he caused a totally dick-ish whirlwind of controversy over where he came from, and why. Ugh, so dick-ish. Actually, this one isn't really all that dick-ish. It's more just adorable and confusing. We sincerely hope that monkey found his way back home.