You might have thought that, after conducting an interview with Donald Trump that read like a celebrity puff piece for an airline inflight magazine and then posing for a cheesy, sleazy photo under a Playboy cover, Michael Gove might have wanted to lie low for a bit to recover from the embarrassment. Not a bit of it. Gove’s narcissism will not be contained and he spent Monday morning doing a tour of any media outlet that would have him to boast about his underachievement.
First stop was Radio 4’s Today programme where presenter Sarah Montague first challenged him on Trump’s assertion that a UK-US trade deal post-Brexit could be done quickly and easily. “I’m no expert in trade negotiations,” Gove said proudly. In Gove World lack of expertise in any field automatically makes you ideally qualified for the job. “But I can tell you that Trump is a dealmaker and he is confident he can make a deal that is win-win for Britain and America.”
Montague’s blink could be felt even on the radio. Hadn’t Gove understood that the most basic thing about Trump is that there is no such thing as a win-win deal for him? A Trump deal always involves winners and losers and it was fairly obvious who the president-elect saw as the losers in any future trade deals. Besides which, we wouldn’t be able to do any negotiations until we had left the EU.
“Donald Trump is the most powerful man in the world,” Mikey announced. “He can do whatever he wants. And he definitely wants to do a deal with Britain because he’s emotionally and financially invested in Brexit. Donald loves Brexit.”
Realising she wasn’t going to get anything intelligent out of Gove on trade deals, Montague moved on. Why hadn’t he asked Trump any difficult questions? “That’s easy,” replied Gove. “One of the things about Donald Trump is he doesn’t like people asking him any questions.” It was now becoming clear why the Don had chosen Mikey to interview him. The man who didn’t want to be asked any questions would be interrogated by the man who wouldn’t ask any. “A question is just a a prompt to the next flow of rhetoric and information,” Mikey continued, hoping this would do as an explanation for his own shortcomings.
“You do realise that Trump actually committed to nothing during your entire interview,” an incredulous Montague pointed out. “He’s changed his mind so often on issues. Did you trust him?”
Mikey was audibly hurt by the suggestion that his whole interview had been little more than an exercise in idle gossip and speculation. “This was the first time I’d met him,” he said defensively, “and I can’t make a window into Donald Trump’s soul. But I did find him very engaging.” Sure, the Don might have said a few not-so-clever remarks about women and foreigners from time to time and again, but at heart he was just a big softy.
Montague pressed Mikey harder. Did Trump want to destabilise the EU? No, he wanted to destabilise the whole world. Wouldn’t toadying our way to a win-lose deal with the US jeopardise our negotiations with the EU? Not at all. It would strengthen our already strong hand. Don’t forget, Britain could always turn itself into a tax haven and throw the poor to the wolves.
“Anyone might think you were trying to line yourself up as the UK’s next ambassador to the US,” said Montague. Mikey laughed nervously. “Oh no, no,” he replied modestly. “There are people far better qualified than me.” By the time Mikey was asked the same question on Sky News 45 minutes later, he was sounding a great deal less modest. It wasn’t for him to put himself forward, but now he had had time to reflect there weren’t nearly so many better qualified people as he had originally thought. “I don’t think so,” he said, in the manner of a man who wasn’t ruling anything out.
Still Mikey’s masochistic desires were not yet satisfied and later in the morning he turned up on BBC2’s Daily Politics where Jo Coburn gave him the biggest putdown yet. “You had the president-elect for an hour and you didn’t once challenge him on any inconsistencies?” she observed. Mikey beamed. At last. Someone who got the point. It had never been about what Trump did or didn’t say. It had been about, he, the Great Mikey, getting a whole hour of Trump’s time. To bask in the orange glow of reflected glory. Me and Mini-Me. Don and Mini-Don. Mini-Mini-Mikey.