1. You don't have an accent, other people do. People who want to be newscasters are taught to mimic the way Midwesterners speak because we don't have accents. Like #sorrynotsorry but that "nasally" voice is, in fact, the way the words are supposed to sound.
2. Ranch dressing is a food group. Other regions of the U.S. simply do not appreciate the majesty of ranch dressing. This is tragic for them, but it's good news for us because it makes a ranch shortage way less likely.
3. Your sledding mountains were basically glorified speed bumps. The Midwest is ridiculously flat, so sledding hills aren't as naturally epic as they might be in other parts of the country. The upside to the flatness is that you didn't have to worry about uphill parking when you were learning to drive.
4. Midwestern politeness is totally a thing. At least when someone cuts you off here, they'll throw up a nice little courtesy wave instead of just honking.
5. Dairy products are to be taken VERY seriously. If you've never been to the Wisconsin State Fair, you're missing out. I'm not trying to make you jealous, but they sell flavored milk from real Wisconsin dairy cows for a quarter. INCREDIBLE. Plus, cream puffs. There is nothing bad about cream puffs.
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6. The Cubs/Cardinals rivalry is not something we joke about. You've broken up with people and/or ghosted friends simply because of their baseball preferences. And if that's wrong, I don't want to be right.
7. After staring at it out the window for hours, corn is kind of … beautiful? There's something about those golden corn kernels that just looks kind of regal after you've been driving through Indiana for four hours.
8. The "big city" has always been Chicago, not New York or Los Angeles. Chiberia is not the Second City. It is the first city because it has a gorgeous lakefront, oodles of cool neighborhoods, and a giant mirror shaped like a legume and happiness.
9. Your coastal friends give you the side eye when you mention growing up at the beach. I'm sorry, but do not throw shade at my lakeside summers. Yes, you ocean humans have nicer sand and bigger waves, but the shores of the Great Lakes are definitely still considered beaches.
10. You can have a three-hour conversation about the weather. From polar vortexes to insane heat waves, the Midwest is host to some pretty nutty weather, and there's nothing better to chat (or complain) about than what's going on with Mother Nature.
11. There should be a national monument celebrating puppy chow. There's really nothing more to say about this except that if your taste buds have never enjoyed the perfection of Chex cereal, peanut butter, chocolate and powdered sugar, I suggest you work to change that ASAP.
12. You have no clue what "soda" is because all you drink is pop. I literally can't even with people who feel the need to point out to me mid-sentence that they call a fizzy drink by a different name.
13. Your dreams are filled with Portillo's hot dogs, Skyline Chili, and Culver's custard. The nectar of the gods.
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