Each year in the UK, over 61,000 UK women have their lives turned upside down by a breast cancer diagnosis, according to Breast Cancer Care. But as well as deeply affecting the lives of those women, the illness also has a huge impact on their loved ones, especially their partners.
 
Glen, a 40-year-old property manager from Hertfordshire knows this all too well; his wife Natalie, 45, was diagnosed with breast cancer in January 2012.
 
Natalie, who works for a Pharmaceutial Company. underwent six rounds of chemotheraphy whilst – along with Glen – trying to retain some normality in life for the sake of the couple’s two young children.
 
Here, Glen shares what it’s like to be the partner of someone going through breast cancer, from feeling constantly helpless, to learning to live every moment to its fullest.
 
Hearing the diagnosis is incredibly hard
 
‘I was there when Natalie was given the diagnosis – it was a terrible shock,’ Glen says. ‘I was stunned.’
 
‘Not knowing what to expect, or what was going to happen was terrible, but I knew I had to be supportive and strong for Natalie because she had a long road ahead of her.’

Staying strong is key, but a real challenge
 
‘I had to be strong for Natalie’s sake. If I’d have crumbled, it wouldn’t have helped the situation,’ Glen tells us.
 
‘She needed somebody there to support her, and tell her “Everything’s going to be ok.”
 
‘I tried to hide any emotions from her and deal with my personal things to the side by speaking with friends and family, because she had lots to deal with herself.
 

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Glen, Natalie and their two sons

 
There are ways to protect children from the distress cancer causes
 
Glen and Natalie’s sons Oliver and Ethan are now aged nine and seven but when Natalie’s treatment began, they were four and two.
 
‘We just told them mummy had a poorly booby and that was that,' Glen says.
 
‘The boys didn’t ask too many questions. The only time was when Nat was going through chemotherapy and lost all of her hair. Oliver, our eldest, asked “What’s happened to mummy’s hair?”
 
‘I’m bald myself so we said, in a lighthearted way, that mummy’s got the same haircut as daddy. He just said “ok” and that was it.
 
One of the hardest things is feeling helpless
 
‘Throughout Natalie’s treatment, one of the hardest things for me was that I felt like there was nothing I could do to actually help,’ Glen tells us.
 
‘Natalie had six bouts of chemo and the final three completely wiped her out - she was in a really bad way and she then got a chest infection.
 
‘I remember one particular time we were lying in bed - she started coughing and was in a really bad way and I felt so helpless that I couldn’t do anything. In the end she had to be admitted to hospital,’ Glen remembers.
 
‘You’re just looking at the person you love and there’s nothing you can really do other than be supportive and positive and say “Things are going to be ok.” It’s terrible.

Cancer has changed the way we look at life
 
Natalie was given the all clear, but receives ongoing treatment in the form of medication and has annual checks to ensure her cancer hasn’t returned.
 
‘Natalie will never forget and it’s still very raw in her mind,’ Glen says.
 
‘Sometimes when she sees adverts on TV, or a friend is diagnosed, it all-resurfaces and she gets a bit emotional. It’s all very close in her mind, and mine, too - you just don’t know what’s round the corner and whether it’s going to come back or not.
 
‘I don’t think life for us will ever go back to what ‘normal’ was before, because cancer has completely changed our way of life and how we look at life,’ Glen says.
 
‘We live for each day now rather than planning for the future as such.
 
‘We’re all good though, thinking positively, and looking forward to going on a family holiday to Spain.’
 
It’s also made our relationship stronger
 
‘Cancer has definitely made our relationship a lot stronger and we cherish every day now.
 
‘Everything we do means so much more because it so easily could have gone the other way and turned out to be the worst case scenario.
 
‘We’re very grateful.’
 

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Expert Advice


Rachel Rawson, Senior Clinical Nurse Specialist at Breast Cancer Care, gives her top tips for men whose partners are going through breast cancer:
 
1. Don’t bottle it up 
 How breast cancer affects your relationship will be unique to you and your partner.  Whilst it’s not always easy, communication is key. You will both feel anxious and at times make false assumptions about how you each feel but talking openly about your feelings, needs and preferences will help. It can help to set aside an hour or so when you are both able to talk undisturbed in a place you both feel at ease.  Writing emails or notes to each other can help too.  
 
2. Learn to listen
Although you may feel like you need to have all the perfect responses for your partner, try not to feel the pressure to ‘fix the problem’ – you may not be able to and simply offering to listen can be just as supportive and reassuring.
 
3. Give a helping hand 
When your partner is going through treatment, it’s likely a host of side effects such as fatigue, pain and nausea will limit how much they can do. Be prepared to take on a greater share of household tasks to help ease the strain. Take the initiative with your partner and clarify what this balance might be; this will ensure they don’t end up doing too much or too little.
 
4. It can take time to get back to sex
What worked for you both before may not now be what your partner finds comfortable or enjoyable since treatment. Thinking more widely about sex and intimacy and working out what feels pleasurable for you both by exploring each other’s bodies will lessen the anxiety. Smaller gestures of intimacy such as cuddling might be good starting point.
 
5. Remember – you’re not alone
Many people’s relationships are disrupted because of a cancer diagnosis, and partners of those going through treatment often need support too. Try Breast Cancer Care’s Forum to speak anonymously to others in the same position, or find further information in the charities’ publication on how to support your partner following a breast cancer diagnosis. 

For care, support and information call Breast Cancer Care free on 0808 800 6000 or visit breastcancercare.org.uk.

Via Good Housekeeping

From: Good Housekeeping UK