THE HEAVENS—Following a wave of high-profile angelic overdoses, the Lord, Our Heavenly Father, announced on Monday a massive crackdown on drugs being smuggled into heaven, purportedly by entering souls. “We’re not entirely certain how this garbage is getting in here, but we’re going to find out and put a stop to it,” said God, referring to the roughly 700 tons of heroin and other narcotics being trafficked into Eternal Paradise and affecting every level of the angelic hierarchy, including reports of at least three archangels succumbing to opioid addiction. “St. Peter’s gate is going to be a key security point, and Peter has been informed that stopping the flow of drugs is now his top priority; to that end, entering souls should expect significant delays for the foreseeable future.” God acknowledged, however, that even these measures would do little against the methamphetamine that can be manufactured using ingredients easily available throughout the heavenly realm.