NASHVILLE, TN—Complaining that there wasn’t even some sort of button to press, disappointed first-time voter Rob Blackman told reporters Tuesday he thought he was going to get to pull a big lever inside the voting booth. “I was sure there’d be a handle I’d have to really yank down on to officially cast my vote, and then there’d be this satisfying mechanical thunk sound,” said Blackman, 19, adding that quietly filling in bubbles on a sheet of paper was a “complete fucking letdown.” “I always thought you’d open up the curtain, see two big levers, and pull down on the one that corresponded to your candidate. But no, there was just a little table in there and that’s it. This is such bullshit.” Blackman went on to say that he wasn’t sure if he’d participate in another election since there really wasn’t an incentive for him to vote anymore.
Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2016.