How to Get Over a Breakup: 7 Things Therapists Want You to Know

As the classic song goes, “breaking up is hard to do.” And often what comes next — recovering from the end of the relationship — is even harder.

That’s because breakups bring a host of emotions — shame, guilt, anger, sadness, and sometimes relief, says Kelli Harding, MD, MPH, an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University Irving Medical Center in New York City.

There’s also grief. “Breakups are a grieving process with a wide range of emotions,” says Jessica Leader, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Root to Rise Therapy in Los Angeles.

A big part of that grief comes from the loss of what you thought your future would look like.

“Grief over a different future than imagined is often a part of the dynamic,” Dr. Harding says. To make matters worse, the end of a long-term relationship may entail thorny logistical questions, like how to handle children and finances, in addition to all the emotions, Harding says.

And remember, there’s no age minimum or limit when it comes to how much a split can hurt, whether it was a six-week fling or a six-year relationship. “Losing a relationship with someone you love at any age is painful and takes time to heal,” Harding says. “If it was a short relationship but knocks the wind out of your sails when it’s over, that’s okay to acknowledge, and feel all the feelings to move through them.”

Though breakups are always hard, people generally become better equipped to deal with them as time goes on. “There is a saying with grief that is true for breakups too: It never gets better, only easier,” Harding says. “With life experience, we often learn that everything is temporary, including the pain of negative emotions such as loss and grief.”

7 Tips for Coping When a Relationship Ends

The pain you feel may be temporary, but that doesn’t make it easy. Rather than have you go it alone, we asked psychologists for advice on how to cope.

Here are seven tips to help you get through.

1. Keep Taking Care of Yourself

When you’re bogged down with feelings of despair, you don't think clearly and likely aren't thinking about your well-being at all. But this is when it’s most important. Previous research showed that breakups can lead to insomnia and compromised immune function. Harding says to focus on the basics: Keep up with your exercise routine, sleep well, eat a healthy diet, and maintain positive social connections.

2. Write a Letter to Your Ex

“I often have clients write a letter to their ex-partner thanking them for what they gained in the relationship and saying goodbye,” Leader says. This exercise is adapted from the book Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas, and it could give you the closure you need.

Leader says she has couples share the letter when they’re in couple’s therapy for separation, but it doesn’t have to be shared with your ex. For most people, the benefit comes from writing out your thoughts and closing that chapter.

3. Surround Yourself With People You Love

Your heart may be telling you to stay in bed and ignore the world outside, but getting out will likely make you feel better. A study published in the October 2021 International Association of Relationship Research found social interactions can protect against feelings of loneliness and depression. “Lean on your support system,” Leader says. Let your friends support you so you can have extra love around you. Say yes to invitations to catch up over coffee or hang out on the couch.

4. Expect Healing to Take Time

Here’s the harsh truth: Feeling better is probably going to take some time. You may even have a string of good days before something triggers you and puts you right back where you started. “Recovering doesn’t always happen linearly, and sometimes strong emotions show up out of the blue,” Harding says. “Please know this is to be expected.”

It’s even possible you won’t ever get over this person completely. That’s normal too, Harding says. The key is to learn to carry on. “Loss is a part of the education of the human heart,” Harding says.

5. Feel the Feelings

“Whatever you experience, just please know it’s okay to have the feelings you have,” Harding says. And if you think about it, simply having those feelings shows your openness to love. “The fact that you have the capacity to feel so deeply is a wonderful prognosis for your next relationship,” Harding says. “Breakups, rejection, and loss are painful, and they make us more empathetic to others.”

Rather than push the negative feelings away, talk about them head-on with a friend, therapist, family member, or mentor. “Writing your feelings out, even for 10 to 15 minutes at a time several days in a row, can make a world of difference,” Harding says. “You can even tear up the piece of paper afterwards if you like.”

6. Do Something Kind for Someone Else

Sometimes it can be helpful to get out of your own head and focus on someone or something else. A small study published in 2018 in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General found that distraction was an effective post-breakup strategy. Harding says doing something kind for someone else delivers an instant mood boost and puts your troubles in perspective. “For example, volunteering is a great way to help recover from a breakup,” she suggests. “You can also organize volunteering with a friend who is going through a breakup if they are willing.”

7. Seek Professional Help

While it’s normal and necessary for it to take time before you feel like yourself again, not improving as time passes can be worrisome. “If days turn into weeks that you’re having trouble functioning at work or in school, please go talk to someone,” Harding says. “It is okay to feel sad, but it is not okay to stop living your life.”

Seek out a counselor or therapist to talk things through. Harding also suggests calling a free and confidential warmline, which is a listening phone service staffed by people who are recovering from mental health issues, if you don’t have anyone in your life you can share openly with. “Just remember you are not alone, and talking to someone can help,” Harding says.