Big Brother recap: Trader Jozea

THE SANCTUARY HAS FALLEN. The savior, unsaved. The messiah, unmessiahed. The intuition, untuitioned. The youth, euthanized.

Jozea the Unbreakable, Jozea the Invincible, Jozea Mother of Dragons, Queen of the Andals, Breaker of Chains, First of His Name, has fallen victim to his own ego in a classic Big Brother tale of man defeated by his own hubris. Jozea: putting the “dumb” back in Demosthenes and the “idiot” back in Iliad, one arrogant letter at a time.

Although it was abundantly clear to viewers that Jozea would be the first houseguest to fall on the live-eviction axe, the obliviousness surrounding the vote result wasn’t reserved for just Jozea. He was joined in ignorance by an entire group of people that could very well be one of the least-likable quintets in Big Brother history: Jozea, Paul, Victor, Natalie, and Bronte.

Together they comprise a now-marginalized group (with, though not to be included here, a wisely duplicitous Da’Vonne, who is merely bearing witness to the fivesome’s inanity) who have committed the most delightful of BB schadenfreudes: Thinking they’re the hottest of the hot when they’re, like, a four at best. One’s keyboard is tainted by even writing about the spate of unlikable personalities that is judgmental Stretch Armstrong Victor, captain of the Los Angeles Banalities Natalie, walking complex-fraction Bronte, and Paul, who obviously just finished a season-long arc as some sort of villain on Girls.

The group’s crime is not in its targeting of Paulie — that’s to be expected, of course — but rather, the issue lies in its ratio of vocal certainty to the house’s actual reality. In other words: They must talk less and listen more. Rarely do the members of this group seem to be remotely aware of the silent lurkers who have infiltrated their ranks. James openly listens in on house meetings. Da’Vonne observes lunacy from mere inches away. This group of vile five is so hotheaded and determined, they’re hardly taking the time to wonder whether other alliances actually exist.

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It’s almost fun to imagine how they’ll be picked off, one by one, like they’re toiling in a horror movie in which they all share the same archetype suggesting they should be the first ones axed. But I will leave the plotting of those eliminations to the Eight Pack, which proved its dominance with barely a second thought.

I’ll amend: There was a second thought to the vote, and it was largely brought on by a very manic, very displaced Bridgette. She’s turned bitter and distrustful, like an avocado past its ripeness. After being shunned from the house meeting and subsequently put up on the block, you’d think Bridgette might eschew both of her supposed alliances and try to make good with the Eight Pack in the hopes of sticking around longer. Instead, she’s a desperate nomad who foolishly returns to her tormentors, trying to curry favor with them by warning them about Nicole’s “tricky” moves. Yes, as if that’s going to get her invited to the next house meeting.

NEXT: A new alliance emerges

Zakiyah relays Bridgette’s trash-talk back to the alliance members, who have also discovered Bridgette was sent up to the HOH room to spy. Espionage and teen gossip make a potent, Agent Cody Banks-esque combo, and Nicole & Co. want nothing to do with it. Da’Vonne makes it known she’s considering a Bridgette brexit, but ultimately, she can no longer stomach Jozea’s constantly misguided intuition — each assumption more inaccurate than the one preceding it, especially when it comes to pinning the tail on the Roadkill winner.

Also, a new alliance emerged tonight: a subsection of the Eight Pack called the Fatal Five, under whose jurisdiction the summer will now ostensibly fall. They are Da’Vonne, Zakiyah, Nicole, Michelle, and Tiffanessa, who hilariously suggests they each get close to one of the guys to solidify their femme-power fivesome. My gut prediction is Michelle strikes me as too weak-willed to stay solid with the other four, and Tiffanessa may fall victim to her sister’s over-playing and find herself on the outskirts as well. My money is on Nicole, Da’Vonne, and Zakiyah (my ridiculously early favorite to win) to stay strong until the end.

Meanwhile, there’s another twist in the works, revealed by Julie once Jozea arrives for his farewell tour, sans sequined pantsuit. Like my favorite bicycle brand from the ‘90s, he is huffy, and he’s peeved at the supposed last-minute switcheroo that resulted in his ousting (Natalie — yep, he’s wrong again). But Julie pulls the messiah back into the light by unveiling a new twist: the Battle Back, which is essentially Big Brother’s version of Survivor: Redemption Island. Jozea will duel with Glenn for a spot as the on-deck re-entrant, and he’ll have to best the next three evictees as well to earn a place back in the house.

Anyway, that’s that. There’s a very hilarious prank involving mayonnaise and a very ludicrous conversation between Bronte, Paul, Natalie, and Victor about potato chips and girl talk — all of which contributes to my labeling of them as the Absolute WorstTM — but I’ll let you dissect that insanity in the comments.

The HOH competition has yet to be called by the episode’s end, so return to us on Sunday, my babies, as Justin Kirkland lets you know whose berries were best batched.