57 Major Relationship Red Flags to Watch Out For
These behaviors should set off your internal alarms.
"When your partner doesn't want to introduce you to his family and friends or if he doesn't want to be open about your relationship on social media, this could mean that he has something to hide, like a double life or other girlfriends," says Ana Aluisy, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Reinvent Your Relationship: A Therapist's Insights to Having the Relationship You've Always Wanted.
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"If your partner never discusses future-oriented plans, it shows he doesn't intend on committing to you," says Darylevuanie Johnson, relationship expert and licensed psychotherapist. "It doesn't have to be big plans, like a wedding. Simply refusing to make plans for future dates or not speaking in the future tense about you should be a red flag."
"When your partner has a difficult time communicating their inner thoughts and feelings with you, this is a huge red flag because it will put a great deal of distress on the relationship," explains Bree Maresca-Kramer, a therapist and author of It's That Simple. "A healthy relationship continues to grow in emotional intimacy, and to do that you must be able to talk with one another freely and openly. This doesn't come naturally to some people, but it is a skill that can — and should be — be learned!"
"If your partner is emotionally closed off and reluctant to talk about their past life and relationships, their family, friendships, future goals, it's a sign that they're holding back important information about themselves. It could be that they are trying to keep something in their past hidden, are covering up a problem or issue that could be on-going but has not yet revealed itself in your relationship, and/or they are not being honest about their commitment and intentions for the relationship," says Toni Coleman, a psychotherapist and relationship coach.
"If it feels as though your partner is resistant to introducing you to their close family and friends, this can glaring red flag," says Rhonda Richards-Smith, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert. "It could just be nerves or a desire to keep others from interfering in your new relationship, but it can also indicate that they don't see the two of you together for the long haul. Instead of wondering why, initiate a conversation about your desire to connect with the other important people in your partner's life."
"Having problematic relationships with their parents or describing them as 'toxic' may be a sign that this person is still entangled in the drama of the past. Some people are raised in difficult environments and overcome their childhood traumas. But others are still caught up in memories that may prove to be stumbling blocks for them in the future and in your relationship," explains Rhonda Milrad, founder and CEO of Relationup.
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"When two people that care about each other get together, they want to know everything about the other person — what makes them tick, why they like what they like, what their childhood was like, etc. If you're significant other doesn't seem interested in your path through life or what makes you you, it may be a sign that they don't see you as a person so much as thing (partner, lover, arm candy)," says Hunt Ethridge, a certified dating coach and co-founder of International Dating Coach Association.
"When calls and texts go unanswered for hours and days at a time, this is often a sign that you're not a high priority in your partner's life," says Richards-Smith. "If it's a struggle for your partner to maintain your connection when you're not in plain sight, your relationship will suffer."
"Threatening to end the relationship is one way to quickly end a disagreement, but if your partner is always threatening to leave the relationship, you can't feel safe in the relationship," Johnson explains. "And if they say it's that easy for them to just walk away, then you 'll always be walking on eggshells, worrying that anything will drive them away."
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"Shutting down and refusing to talk during an argument, also known as 'stonewalling,' makes it difficult to discuss any remotely difficult topic. You'll never feel like any issue gets resolved, and you'll also fail to develop the level of intimacy and connection required to sustain a healthy long-term relationship," says Marni Feuerman, a couples therapist in Boca Raton, Florida.
"The old saying 'love means never having to say you're sorry' does lovers a major disservice. When someone can't apologize, it leads to stand-offs, resentment, and fights that never seem to resolve," says Alexandra H. Solomon, Ph.D., an assistant professor and licensed clinical psychologist at Northwestern University and the author of Loving Bravely: 20 Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want.
"Excessive drinking or drug use, especially if he's hiding it, may indicate an addiction which can be a deal-breaker in any relationship," says Aluisy.
"If you notice heavy drug or alcohol use in the dating phase, it's likely it's worse than you think and that your partner is minimizing it to you. It's likely a huge problem that can wreak havoc on the relationship," says says Dion Metzger, M.D., a psychiatrist and co-author of The Modern Trophy Wife: How to Achieve Your Life Goals While Thriving At Home.
"When your partner needs constant attention, love, and praise, it can be exhausting and embarrassing. Also, it's often a mask against feelings of deep insecurity and self-loathing," says Nadine Macaluso, a licensed psychotherapist.
"Yes, there are introverts that don't get out much, but even they should at least have a few friends. If you start dating someone that doesn't seem to have any close friends and they don't talk about friends, there might be issues," says Ethridge. "Sure, maybe they're a unique soul that no one understands. But it's more likely there is a legitimate problem with them."
"You don't need to do everything together, but if your partner and you do not share some common interests, life goals, and belief systems, the relationship will be harder to maintain," says Maresca-Kramer. "In the beginning, physical chemistry is everything — but once that wears off, you're left with real life. This isn't a deal-breaker necessarily, but the higher compatibility you two have, the better the connection within the relationship."
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